Beerfest !!!

Today I embark on a quest to Brookville, PA. About an hour and a half northeast of Pittsburgh, this quaint remote town truly is in the heart of Pennsyltucky country. Like so many other small towns, the only real development is a 2-3 mile stretch around the interstate ramps. There are just enough amenities to support the local farmers, truckers passing through, and each other. Aside from farming, the one industry they can claim is that Brookville is where they make all the Major League baseball bats (that's why they're breaking all the time). The largest structure in town is the Sheetz mega gas station and convenience store, where all 48 gas pumps are in use full time, and the MTO line is 10 people deep. The second largest structure in town happens to house an adult video store.

About 15 'country' miles out of town, after traveling through rolling hills and valleys of farmland, we arrive at the backdrop for my adventure. A friend of mine is a co-owner of a small plot of land out in the middle of east-ka-bum-fuck. An old motor home has been built upon over the years, and now is a pleasant cabin with a large patio and a 15 ft diameter fire pit (FIRE!!!). On this beautiful plot of land, McPaddy and I will join 30 other individuals to engage in what may be the stupidest idea we've had in our adult lives... Beerfest!!!

That's right, we're doing it. And I assure you that nothing good is going to come of this weekend. It will be a day-long endurance trial involving 16 two man teams and nearly a dozen different drinking games.

The games will include a rotation of 30 minute rounds to engage in the following games throughout the day: Flip Cup, Das Boot, Shotgun, Quarters, 3 Speed, Putt Putt, War, Balance Beam. Teams will earn points based on performance during the event. After a break for dinner, the final round will begin with each teammate participating in either Edward 40 Hands, where two 40s are duct taped to your hands, or the Power Hour Dance Off, where each person takes a shot of beer every minute while dancing until only one man is left standing (uh, dancing). Additional points can be either earned or deducted for various acts of drunken godliness or the inevitable party foul.

The weeks leading up to this event have been filled with both anticipation and apprehension. As I state at the beginning, this may be one of the more idiotic things that I've done.

The Disclaimer: We here at JABB do not encourage or condone such activities. Do not try this at home. We are professional alcoholics,and therefore do not have any brain cells left to tell us this is a very bad idea.

Happy Saint Patty's Day

Yes, it's that time of year to don those tacky shamrock glasses, your favorite drinking shirt, and pound back 37 bottles of cheap green beer. Though the holiday was already celebrated this past Saturday in most cities in the U.S., that doesn't mean today shouldn't still be celebrated as well. There's only one problem. You have work in the morning. OK, I know some of you don't have jobs to worry about, but for the rest of us that attempt to contribute to society, this puts us in a bit of a predicament. Well hopefully you've gotten the binge out of the way over the weekend. After all, that's what weekend is are for. Fortunately there are plenty of ways to enjoy the good Irish spirit without getting totally shit faced, allowing you to function the next day at your normal capacity (about 23%).

Instead of hitting the club scene where overweight frat boys run around drunk in "Kiss Me I'm an Asshole" T-shirts and girls who should be wearing this on there belt buckle, try to do something a little low key. There are plenty of alternatives that let you enjoy the spirit of the Eire without losing your job the next day, or catching chlamydia.

I like to find a nice hole-in-the-wall bar or a traditional Irish pub. Or better yet, pickup some booze and host a little St. Patrick's Day celebration of own. Pickup some nice Irish stouts or a good porter. Guinness is the best known and is the stout by which all others are judged. It is definitely is fine brew, and I like to think of it as "liquid bread", but why not try something else this season. Grab yourself some Murphy's or Beamish. Murphy's Irish Stout is heavy in it's maltiness and has a chocolate finish that goes down smooth. Personally, I've never tried Beamish, but I hear it has a more roasted flavor than Guinness. Up until recent years, these three were about all you could get this side of the Atlantic. Fortunately, in the wave of new upstart micro brews here in the States, the American pallet has been primed and ready for some quality imports. Don't know what to look for? Find yourself a bar with a wide selection of bottles and more obscure brews on tap. Chances are the barkeep will be able to point you in the right direction.

Stouts too heavy for you? Then try your hand at an Irish red ale. Immediately when those words are uttered, people think of Killian's, but George Killian's Irish Red is NOT a red ale. It is in fact a lager style beer. It also happens to be an American brew produced by Coors. So if your trying to earn brownie points with the leprechauns, so they'll show you where their pot o' gold is, find something else to drink (if this has actually happened to you, you have gone and smoked yourself retarded). Some good Irish red ales include Smithwick's, Moling's Traditional Red Ale, or Galway Hooker.

Whatever you chose to drink this Saint Patrick's Day, don't forget to chase it down with a nice shot of Irish whiskey.

Hmmm, that's the good stuff.

Here's to a long life and a merry one.
A quick death and an easy one.
A pretty girl and an honest one.
A cold pint- and another one!

Beannachtam na Feile Padraig!

Victory is Mine

Haha! For once the tables have turned. B James is the one whose probably nursing a huge hangover this morning while I was up bright and early. Survived the evening and no Hard Choice for me this morning. B. James, I feel your pain.

Richard Dicks

Rube Goldbeer

Yeah, if you thought you had way too much free time on your hands, you haven't met these guys.



Think of this as setting the bar for St. Patty's weekend. It'll give you something to shoot for.

Too much of a good thing

I was at a lesser known chain Friday night with Richard Dicks, his wife, and my girlfriend. It was the kind of place that had just a little more soul than somewhere like Olive Garden, but not nearly as much as a small local restaurant. The waitress approached, introduced herself, and asked if we would like to order drinks. Richard ordered a 7&7, his wife had a glass of wine, I settled on a vodka martini, and my girlfriend decided to try one of the chain-specific beverages on the drink menu. Some concoction devised at franchise headquarters... wherever. A "Blue Hurricane". Why not?

The drinks came promptly. The 7&7 was acceptable, the martini was above average, and the wine, well, it was mostly in the glass... how can you fuck up a glass of wine? The Blue Hurricane came in a water glass, so even if it wasn't terribly tasty, it was guaranteed to do the job by sheer volume alone. But as the four of us sat staring at it, I noticed it was awfully blue. This was a warning sign.

My girlfriend took a taste, and pushed the glass away from her. I took a sip and pondered. It was fairly standard hurricane with a blue coloring agent; and just as I suspected, that's where the whole thing had gone wrong. Larger chains might have opted for blue food coloring, or some blue syrup the parent company pumped out of a factory. But being a smaller chain, they had opted for Bols. More specifically, they had opted for way too much Bols.

Now I have nothing against Bols, it has a delicious orange flavor that's much more more restrained than something like Cointreau, and it adds a wonderful blue color to your drink. But its flavor isn't pure orange, it's bitter, tangy, and quite syrupy. So you can't be heavy-handed with the Bols. Moderation is key. Too much Bols can leave a tart flavor in your mouth, overpowering the rest of your beverage. And sure enough, I could taste the pineapple and rum, but the whole thing was just completely overpowered by the flavor of Bols. And as anyone who has spent any time mixing drinks knows, its important to maintain balance when making a cocktail. Sure, it can add wonderful flavor, texture, and color to your drink, but it is possible- in fact, quite easy to have too much Bols.


But whose fault was it? The 7&7 and martini were passable, so that leads me to believe it is the franchise drink designers, and not the establishment's bartender, who can't get enough Bols. And maybe that's fine for them, but in a chain your job isn't to force your particular preclusions upon the patrons, but instead to design something everyone can enjoy. And not everyone likes a big cup full of Bols.

I'm sure there are lovers of Bols out there- people who can't get enough Bols, who are yelling obscenities at their computer screen right now, but it's true! You have to be careful with Bols. Sure, Bols can add a twist, and an great deal of visual appeal; but its something that usually has to be accompanied by other flavors to really be enjoyable. And even then, you have to carefully measure your Bols and use great care and finesse. You can't put Bols in everything and expect it to work, you have to carefully choose when and where to work your Bols in. And don't try to be "generous" with your Bols, that's how the Blue Hurricane ended up being ruined. Try to always keep in mind that just plain Bols isn't something most people like.

Now you might still be able to blame the bartender for not augmenting the recipe of their own volition, but that is all dependent on how closely management watches their Bols. If a drink went by that didn't appear to have enough, they might grab some more Bols to put in it; possibly reprimanding the bartender in the process. So maybe the Bols in the drink weren't the bartender's fault, but someone was to blame.

Will their Bols hurt their business? Probably not. It's not as if every drink they have prominently features Bols. But no one at that table that night will be ordering a Blue Hurricane in the future; it was far too much Bols for any of us.

So whether you're a bartender at a chain, a local restaurant, or just a plain old bar; please, take it easy with your Bols. It's just not everyone's cup of tea.

...or Bols.