Some up-coming beer events in Pittsburgh

Penn Brewery

While some asslicking cockwhores are moving out of the city of Pittsburgh, some fine, upstanding citizens are going to great lengths to keep Pittsburgh brewing traditions alive.

Now that doesn't say much in that article I linked to, so I'll give you the scuttlebutt I've heard around town.  Cause, you know, it's just a blog.  What the fuck do you want from me, journalism?

The story I heard was that Tom Pastorius, founder and owner, who played with his band many Friday nights at the brewpub, wanted to retire.  He wasn't greedy, he just wanted to have fun with his life and he'd made as much money as he felt he needed.  I admire that.  But anyway, stories I heard had Tom retiring to do... whatever the hell he felt like.  So he sold Penn Brewery to some folks who thought they could continue on his good work.  But Tom didn't actually own the building, just the company; and the landlords wanted to write up a new lease for the new owners that included numerous anal violation clauses, and few to no lubrication addendums.  So the new owners started looking at moving or selling out.  (I don't really blame them for that, it sounded like a raw deal to me).  But Tom wasn't really cool with that, he wanted Penn Brewery to stay in Pittsburgh.  He'd started that place to be a Pittsburgh institution.

In Februray, his worst fears came to fruition.  The folks who bought it sold the bottling line and moved production to Wilkes-Barre.

This is not what Tom wanted.  In fact, he had gone on record saying that he didn't want the brewery to end when he retired.  So, he got together with some other investors, got a grant from the city's urban renewal initiative (to the tune of $300k), and bought the fucking place back.  Awesome!

Now, I understand that not everyone can afford to be so selfless and dedicated to community.  I sure can't.  But even if you can't do something like Tom to try to give back to a community, the least you could do is not shit all over it.  I'm talking about begging favors in the name of community, then pulling stakes, leaving disgusting amounts of debt, jobless locals, and a vacant building in a barely recovering part of town.  Yes, I'm still bitter about that.  And I will be until they either move back into a depressed area of Pittsburgh or rename their beer "Pissy Swill sold by Shady, Backstabbing Bastards".

Such can not be said about Tom Pastorius.  Brewermaster, entrepreneur, yinzer, awesome dude.  Here's to you!

So that's the story as I heard it, and I have now done my part to usher in the death of journalism by spewing unchecked facts and rumors into the blogosphere.  Feel free to read about what really happened but it will probably be less entertaining.

Sorry if you started reading this before I was done, I hit some key combination that posted it in the middle of writing.

Donnie Iris Don't Work at Pants N'at!

He's got his own beer!

In case you don't know who Donnie is, this will confuse yinz even more.

Excuses, excuses...

I don't want to go all yinzer on your ass... but I'm going to anyway.

There's bumper stickers that say Pittsburgh is a drinking town with a football problem. I don't believe in bumper stickers, and I don't believe in that saying. I also don't believe in the chupacabra.

It's not just football that Pittsburghers go crazy for, and as evidence to back up my claim, I present to you last years Stanley Cup champs: The Pittsburgh Penguins.

Yinzers love em.  When they won it all last year, there was a parade and some moderate rioting (ok, more like drunken stumbling, but the National Guard was there to keep an eye on them, so I say that counts).  So is Pittsburgh just a sports town, maybe?  A city that embraces the sporting lifestyle and all that goes with it?

And we don't even have an NBA team.  If Pittsburgh was a sports town, there would be professional basketball and the baseball stadium would have more fans than players on an average night.  So why all the drunken revelry for the Steelers and the Penguins?  Perhaps Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethlisberger could help explain.

I put it to you that Pittsburgh is a drinking town with a drinking problem, and I think Ben would enthusiastically agree.  It can get cold and boring in Pittsburgh during the winter, and we have a cultural history of absolutely hating our slavish industrial jobs.  I mean, there's a reason a "boiler maker" is called a "boiler maker", and not a "starving artist" or an "interior decorator".  For about a century, Pittsburgh jobs were oppressive and soul-crushing, but would support your family well.  So you toughed it out, and after a particularly tough day at the foundry, coke furnaces, or rolling mill, you'd drink Imperial and Iron City until your cares eased up just a little.  Those jobs are gone, for good or for ill, but the attitude is permanently ingrained in Pittsburgh culture.

So what does that have to do with football and hockey?  Nothing, really.  And that's my point. You see, sporting events just are a good excuse to get together and booze it up.  And in Pittsburgh, this shows in our sports broadcasts.  Let me show you.  Below are pictures of Pittsburgh's most famous sportscasters:

Now here are pictures of Pittsburgh sportscasters who never spent a sober moment on the air:

The one on the left is Myron Cope, long-time Steelers announcer.  He's dead now, may he rest in drunken peace.  The one on the right is Penguins announcer Mike Lange.  He was fired for being too drunk on the air too often.  And by "too often" I mean every game from start to finish.  He calls the Penguins games on the radio now, drunk as ever, and they replaced him with these guys:

Bob Errey, a former Penguin, and Paul Steigerwald, Mike Lange's original sidekick.  The station was hoping to bring a little more sobriety to their broadcasts, and they were sorely disappointed.  Bob and Steigy did their damndest to drink as much as their predecessor, which we estimated by how audibly drunk they were, must have been shots at the periods and shots for each Penguins goal.

After that year, the station waited till the very last minute to renew their contracts, and Bob and Steigy definitely played it more sober after that; to the detriment of the broadcasts, I feel.  But don't get me wrong, they still booze it up like pros.  It's just not every night that they show up already tanked, though that does sometimes still happen.  When Bob shows up too drunk, they put him between the benches of the two teams to sober up.  It's his own personal penalty box.

 

Hell, there's even a blog dedicated to amusing things Bob says when he gets too drunk on the air!  But Steigy is no slouch.  Nosir.  Often by the wrap-up commentary, he has dry mouth and is a bit uneasy.   You can usually tell who drank most of the booze that night by who does all the talking.  If the wrap-up is all Bob, you'll often see Steigy leaning towards Bob, looking up at him as if Bob were made of solid chocolate and Steigy was thinking about taking a big bite.  Once he asked Bob to show the people his "pretty teeth", as he had survived a career in the NHL with all of them in-tact.  Bob wasn't quite sure how to react.  One night Steigy was visibly starting to throw up a little and was swallowing it back.  Now that's dedication!  I bet as soon as your lunch starts to rise in your throat, you call off work.  But not Paul Steigerwald!  And when Bob drinks the lion's share of booze, he slurs his speech, says confusing or inappropriate things about the other team, or sometimes just sits in silence and tries not to fall over.

 

The station tries so hard to remove intoxication from their broadcasts, but every attempt fails.  This is Pittsburgh!  It's expected.  It's integral.  It's necessary!  What they don't understand is that, for the viewers, it gets the party going.  Two excited guys on the air having a good time, interested in the same stuff you are, stewed to the fucking gills.  And when another station like NBC or VS shows a Penguins game, everyone in the city bitches until they get their next fix of Bob and Steigy.

So one night at Paddy's, we all decided to try to keep pace with Bob and Steigy.  It started out with shots of whiskey and vodka for the first goal.  Then another for the second, and a third round for the end of the first period.  By the fourth goal, we had to use dark and spiced rum for the shots, as the vodka and whiskey were gone.  The fifth goal and end of the second kicked the rum.  By the third period, we had to use random liqueurs and puckers for the last two goals, and the end of the game was toasted with whatever we could find.  Paddy was pretty much out of liquor, and we were all fall-down drunk.   If you want to realize how truly gifted these two announcers are, give it a try yourself sometime.  Make sure you give your keys to someone who isn't playing along.

And if folks were really interested in the game for the sake of the game, they wouldn't go to bars and parties to watch.  Richard's wife is that way.  She is fanatical about all Pittsburgh sports.  She often doesn't want to join us at a bar or a party to watch a Penguins or Steelers game.  Why?  Well, because we do stupid shit like I just described.  She feels she doesn't really get to watch the game in those settings.  And she's absolutely right!  You don't really get to see much of the game.  It's loud, people are talking and distracting, and if you're drinking heavily you're going to miss the nuances of the game.  So if she's genuinely interested in the game, what about everyone else?  Are they more interested in drinking and socializing than they are in the game?  Yes.

Sports aren't really the point, they're just the excuse.  Like going to a Halloween party.  Are you more concerned about the quality of the sexy police woman costume, or the fact that it covers nearly none of the girl wearing it?  The costumes are just an excuse, not the reason.  And to most Pittsburghers, sports are the same way.  Sure, I like to see the Steelers and the Penguins win, and I think it's awesome that they're both the national champs this year; but I wouldn't refuse to go out drinking if a game wasn't on.  Some would, though.  They need that excuse.  "I'm not getting plastered on a Tuesday for no reason, the Pens are on!"  Me?  I need no excuse.  So gimme a call, and we'll head dahn tahn and get all fucked up n'at! 

I'm not ashamed to say Pittsburgh is a drinking town with a drinking problem.  And I'm a proud part of that problem!  And to those teams that are seeing low attendance in Pittsburgh *cough* Pirates *cough*, maybe the reason isn't entirely that you are the losingest team in North American sports history, maybe you're also not incorporating drinking into your sport as much as you could or should.  Maybe you should try, I dunno, 10 cent beer night?  What's the worst that could happen?

The Epic Battle Rages On

http://www.thepittsburghchannel.com/news/21181990/detail.html

This story is from last week and for many of you out there, I pretty much guarantee the subject of this news article is as unfamiliar to you as non-alcoholic beer. But for us here at JABB, we've been swigging down this swill for nearly 2 years now. I speak of the Allegheny County Drink Tax.

Once upon a time (2 years ago), in a borough not too far away n'at (Tax District 2), the Great Land of Allegheny was in deep deep debt. Though the Land's mightiest City of Steel had seen fame and prestige for several years now, it's great gridiron warriors


or mighty paladins on ice


could not save the Land from gross ineptitude. Merchants had been leaving the city for lands with less demanding tax collectors, and the educated youth, who felt no kinship with the Land, set out on long journeys, never to return home.

Of the Land's financial woes, the transportation system was hurting bad. Nobody was using the great steel wagons or the mighty to get around town and the outlying villages. Instead, the people opted to take their own horse and carriages everywhere they wished to travel. The Lord's transportation advisers had squandered what government coin they received on frivolous extravagances, like a tunnel under the great moat of Allegheny for the .


The Lord of the Land, King Dan "the Goose Killer" Onorato, and his knights of the square bingo table, spent countless days and nights (at Nemacolin Woodlands) trying to devise a means of saving the Land from it's financial woes. In order to obtain further transportation funding from the government, the King and his Council had to come up with $30 million on their own. Not willing to cut any funds from the existing budget, already bloated more than Kanye West's ego, or give up the lavish amenities befitting the council's lifestyle, they decide to save the transportation system with taxes. King Dan "the Tax Man" Onorato gave his council two options; raise the property tax on the peasants of the land, or institute a 10% drink tax on all alcoholic beverages purchased within the Land's borders (also included a $2/day car rental tax).

The people of the Land didn't wish for either tax, and were quite irate. Surely there must be other means to raise funds.


It wasn't long before the peasants began holding secret meetings at basements, stables and the local Church...Brewery. And what started as just talks of dissidence, soon became a full on rebellion.
But no matter how hard the people fought, they could not avail. The infamous drink tax was passed and the Land was cast into a darkness more dispiriting than the Pirate's losing streak.


Two years of pain and thirsty tavern patrons would follow. Those who used to go out for drinks and have 5 or 6, now were only drinking 3 or 4, while other ventured great distances (Beaver Country) to drink without financial oppression. Sobriety was on the rise. Many men were returning home to their wives early, only to find them still awake, thus being forced to converse with them and to take out the trash.

Those who refused to comply with the King's orders were struck down with a vengeance. There are still great warriors who brave the bloodshed in the crusade for alcoholic freedom. And we the people of the land will continue to support their cause. King Dan of Allegheny now seeks to reign over all of Penn's Woods. He thinks he has squashed the rebellion. He thinks our spirits have broken, but he shall never be rid of us. We will continue to fight. We will continue to meet in basement bars and and tax exempt locations to plot our next strike, or just get shit faced. The Rebellion is upon us my friends!

TO ARMS!

...

... and after a few deep breaths...

Ok, I've calmed down a little. Let's re-examine this Iron City business like mature adults. Today Latrobe pitches yeast on the first batch of non-Iron.

I understand that you can't always be a nice guy in business. Sometimes one option is so insanely beneficial compared to the other options, you really have no choice but to go with it. So they're moving to Latrobe, trying to turn things around, want to spend the savings on advertising and a new canning line- wait, a new canning line? Weren't they moving primarily to avoid the cost of installing a new canning system? Oh, for fuck's sake...




Then there's this one quote from the article that... didn't make me angry so much as caught my attention: "The beer drinkers in Pittsburgh did not support Iron City." At first I took that personally, but I took a few deep breaths and looked at it again. He's simply stating that the Pittsburgh market alone doesn't provide enough income to keep the company afloat. And while it doesn't anger me, I find that claim dubious at best.

Every single bar I've been to in Allegheny County has at least one IC Light tap. Some even have a regular Iron City tap, and all of them have bottles of both available. Often they'll also include other Iron City brands like Old German in their refrigerator. I find it hard to believe that establishments outside the Pittsburgh area sell more Iron products than the nearly 2000 bars in Allegheny County.

Let's break it down: There are only 3,140 counties in the US. So for even the number of taps to be equal, you'd have to be able to find one bar with Iron on tap in at least 2/3 of those counties. So I'll find a yinzer bar in Denali, Alaska? Fergus, Montana? Ector, Texas? Seems to me the consumption of Iron City drops off sharply as you leave Allegheny County. So the Pittsburgh market being an insignificant fraction of their income seems a bit far-fetched to me, but he has the figures, I don't. I'll have to remember to ask for a stubby of Old German next time I find myself in Wichita.




Oh, and because they are cutting bait, the Pittsburgh Water & Sewer Authority has decided to demand $600,000 from them. You see, back in 2005, the Water Authority brought it to Iron City's attention that they hadn't payed a water bill for quite some time. Since they stopped writing checks, they've run up a tab of about 2.6 million dollars. Which is impressive, since the average beer is 90% water. They were essentially fencing stolen water. The Water Authority agreed to cut them a break on the bill if they stayed in the city. Iron City still didn't pay a dime. And now that they're moving, the Water Authority is pissed and wants their fucking money.

Iron City also owes money to other organizations totaling more than $180,000, which kind of seems like pissing into the river when compared to the $2.6 million the Water Authority could potentially assrape them on. They're lucky this is only Pittsburgh. In other places, breach of contract is dealt with more harshly.



But because they're sitting so pretty, they've hinted that they would like to buy back Rolling Rock from Busch. Ok, I think it's time to go into this strage saga, so pardon my digression. Some time ago, Corona was kicking ass and taking names in the flavorless beer department. Busch was getting jealous of Corona, after all, Bud is the KING of fizzy water! Now here's where it blurs between fact, legend, and corporate secrets. Supposedly, Busch tried to buy them, but Corona said ¡No! So Busch did what any sensible business would and accused their competitor of pissing in their beer... allegedly. Officially, it was a Heineken distributor who was successfully sued by Corona over this rumor, so this could be a bullshit part of the story. Anyway, what did happen next was people started buying Rolling Rock instead of Corona, believing the clear streams of Latrobe to have less urine per volume than Corona.


Anyway, folks out West started drinking Rolling Rock with a wedge of lime, as they did with Corona, and Bush saw a potentially easier company to muscle in on. So they bought Rolling Rock, and sales plummeted.

Now we come back to the thrust of this story. Rolling Rock ain't selling like the hoppy hotcackes Busch expected, so they're thinking about unloading the brand. And wouldn't it be nice to bring it back to Latrobe? And who would be the people in the best position to do that? If you're drunk, stupid, or the CEO of Iron City, you might say Iron City could buy them. But you'd be forgetting the pants-shittingly insane amount of money they owe to everyone. Maybe they could start spending Monopoly money?


So to avoid spending money on new equipment and water, they'll have to buy new equipment and settle up their old water bill they were avoiding. So until their water bill savings tops whatever Pittsburgh forces them to pay in overdue bills, those financial advantages are canceled out. They're also pissing off nearly everyone in the city that comprises their primary market means absolutely nothing to their bottom line. And now they want to spend more money buying back other brands with damaged reputations and increase production so they can meet the huge demand that will suddenly appear once they start making the beer in a different building. The financial wizardry of Iron City continues to astound me. Seriously, what joker gives these people financial advice?

Iron City: Now with less iron!

So, Paddy sent me an article this morning: Iron City soon will be brewed in Latrobe. The headline pretty much says it all right there. But if you're not from Western Pennsylvania, you might still be confused even after reading the article, so I'll go into some more detail.

The "idled Latrobe brewery" is the Latrobe Brewing facility located in Latrobe, PA. They used to be the sole producer of Rolling Rock until Anheuser-Busch purchased the brand in 2006, and "moved" the brewing to their own facilities (read: started filling green bottles with Bud Light). I still have a 6-pack of ponies tucked away that were brewed in the Latrobe facility. I'm sure they're terrible by now, but I'll pretend they're great when I drink them some day.


But I digress. When Busch purchased Rolling Rock, Latrobe was hit hard. It was a huge source of jobs for the small town. Not much later, the plant opened back up to do contract brewing. "Contract brewing" you ask? Ah, well... that could be another article in itself. Big beer companies will sometimes play local breweries to make their beer instead of shipping from their main plant to that region. Do you enjoy that great Boston water they make Sam Adams from? No you don't. They fucking make it in Pittsburgh. Well... to be fair, its now made in many places, but originally all Sam Adams beer was brewed with the mighty waters of the Allegheny River.


So Latrobe Brewing has been doing that sort of thing for a few years, but Pittsburgh Brewing (or whatever they're calling themselves this month to dodge water bills) lost their contract with Sam Adams, and have been on the skids for awhile (see the article I linked to up above). And now Iron is moving to Latrobe. Which is great for Latrobe, don't get me wrong. I harbor no malice towards Latrobe. But Iron City is a Pittsburgh thing. And I don't mean it's a "Pittsburgh Tradition" or something like that, no; I mean it's named after the fucking city!



And not only do I not harbor any malice towards Latrobe, I actually liked old Rolling Rock better than Iron City! On a personal note, I'm kind of hoping Iron might start tasting more like old Rolling Rock once it's brewed in the glass lined tanks of Old Latrobe. But that's not the point. And neither is this:

"We're moving 40 miles down the road. We don't see that the sales will be impacted."

So, what do you mean by that, Mr. Hickman? Do you mean that your trucks won't use too much more gas for shipping? Or that the locals will speak the same language? People aren't pissed at you because they think sales of Iron City will drop because of your finincial shennanigans, they're pissed at you because you're firing all your workers during a peak in unemployment and selling off the old brewery during a trough in real estate value. Because you're betraying the name of the brand you're in charge of. Because you lied to the city and the union. Becuase you're skipping town owing a metric fuckton of money to damn near everyone in the city! I also heard you molest small dogs.

And I know Latrobe needs this. I know it will be good for them. But Pittsburgh isn't exactly a shining bastion of economic might, built from gold bricks and quail eggs. And the specific area Pittsburgh Brewing is moving out of has been trying to turn themselves around for about a decade, and they're starting to succeed! What you're doing is kind of like throwing bricks through your neighbor's brand new windows. And all the while you were "looking for new canning equipment." What were you really doing all that time?



But let's be frank, this decision was motivated by the financial success of the company. You don't owe any debt to Pittsburgh... well, actually, you do. A pretty big one. Like, two or three dump trucks crammed full of money. But you don't owe any sort of emotional debt to the city. You have no obligation to do the "right thing" here, assuming you have no sense of morality, justice, or conscience. If moving to a different brewery will make you more money, then perhaps that's the thing to do. And who cares if Pittsburghers won't drink Iron City anymore? You have your huge national and international market share to rely on. Right? And there's always the amazing taste of your product, that's probably won some medals or something. Right? It's not like Pittsburghers only drank it out of a sense of loyalty to your brand. Right? If everyone in the Pittsburgh area stopped drinking Iron City tomorrow, you'd totally still be swimming in money like Scrooge McDuck. Right?



It's an uber-dick move, buddy. You pulled a bait-and-switch. You strung everyone along, promising that you wouldn't pull the obvious cocksucker move everyone was expecting. You prentended to be a decent person, then... SURPRISE! Silly us, we should have known better than to think you were anything less than a complete, self-serving bastard.

Hope Latrobe doesn't make the same mistake...

Ode to the Parlour

My bar, my bar, I long for your return.
It has been too long and my mouth grows parched.
I miss your rough worn bar top,
weathered from slouching men of broken spirits.

I have searched to find another,
but none can satisfy me as you have.
Always there with a sturdy stool,
and two fingers of golden bliss.

My bar, my bar, the great times we've had.
The cold pint after a hard days work,
the numbing of the nicotine's grasp.
The satisfaction of a greasy meal settled in my stomach.

The barkeep never let me go thirsty.
You welcomed me with beer and whiskey, as if open arms.
You always did me right.
You eased my mind and calmed my spirit.

My bar, my bar, the others just don't compare.
I've been to lounges and pubs and taverns a plenty.
I've drunk with townies and hipsters and frat boys and yuppies.
I've tried them all, from the upscale to the corner dive.

I have enjoyed many adulterous libations.
I can't say I haven't had my share of fun.
The others satisfy the random urge,
but can never provide the comfort you do.

My bar, my bar, you were not perfect, but nothing is.
Your flaws were what gave you character.
You weren't the cleanest or the hippest,
you weren't the cheapest or the most well stocked.

But when I just needed a drink or an escape from the world,
when I needed a smile and laugh with friends,
you were always there for me.
You were my bar.


...I'll miss you, friend.