... and after a few deep breaths...

Ok, I've calmed down a little. Let's re-examine this Iron City business like mature adults. Today Latrobe pitches yeast on the first batch of non-Iron.

I understand that you can't always be a nice guy in business. Sometimes one option is so insanely beneficial compared to the other options, you really have no choice but to go with it. So they're moving to Latrobe, trying to turn things around, want to spend the savings on advertising and a new canning line- wait, a new canning line? Weren't they moving primarily to avoid the cost of installing a new canning system? Oh, for fuck's sake...




Then there's this one quote from the article that... didn't make me angry so much as caught my attention: "The beer drinkers in Pittsburgh did not support Iron City." At first I took that personally, but I took a few deep breaths and looked at it again. He's simply stating that the Pittsburgh market alone doesn't provide enough income to keep the company afloat. And while it doesn't anger me, I find that claim dubious at best.

Every single bar I've been to in Allegheny County has at least one IC Light tap. Some even have a regular Iron City tap, and all of them have bottles of both available. Often they'll also include other Iron City brands like Old German in their refrigerator. I find it hard to believe that establishments outside the Pittsburgh area sell more Iron products than the nearly 2000 bars in Allegheny County.

Let's break it down: There are only 3,140 counties in the US. So for even the number of taps to be equal, you'd have to be able to find one bar with Iron on tap in at least 2/3 of those counties. So I'll find a yinzer bar in Denali, Alaska? Fergus, Montana? Ector, Texas? Seems to me the consumption of Iron City drops off sharply as you leave Allegheny County. So the Pittsburgh market being an insignificant fraction of their income seems a bit far-fetched to me, but he has the figures, I don't. I'll have to remember to ask for a stubby of Old German next time I find myself in Wichita.




Oh, and because they are cutting bait, the Pittsburgh Water & Sewer Authority has decided to demand $600,000 from them. You see, back in 2005, the Water Authority brought it to Iron City's attention that they hadn't payed a water bill for quite some time. Since they stopped writing checks, they've run up a tab of about 2.6 million dollars. Which is impressive, since the average beer is 90% water. They were essentially fencing stolen water. The Water Authority agreed to cut them a break on the bill if they stayed in the city. Iron City still didn't pay a dime. And now that they're moving, the Water Authority is pissed and wants their fucking money.

Iron City also owes money to other organizations totaling more than $180,000, which kind of seems like pissing into the river when compared to the $2.6 million the Water Authority could potentially assrape them on. They're lucky this is only Pittsburgh. In other places, breach of contract is dealt with more harshly.



But because they're sitting so pretty, they've hinted that they would like to buy back Rolling Rock from Busch. Ok, I think it's time to go into this strage saga, so pardon my digression. Some time ago, Corona was kicking ass and taking names in the flavorless beer department. Busch was getting jealous of Corona, after all, Bud is the KING of fizzy water! Now here's where it blurs between fact, legend, and corporate secrets. Supposedly, Busch tried to buy them, but Corona said ¡No! So Busch did what any sensible business would and accused their competitor of pissing in their beer... allegedly. Officially, it was a Heineken distributor who was successfully sued by Corona over this rumor, so this could be a bullshit part of the story. Anyway, what did happen next was people started buying Rolling Rock instead of Corona, believing the clear streams of Latrobe to have less urine per volume than Corona.


Anyway, folks out West started drinking Rolling Rock with a wedge of lime, as they did with Corona, and Bush saw a potentially easier company to muscle in on. So they bought Rolling Rock, and sales plummeted.

Now we come back to the thrust of this story. Rolling Rock ain't selling like the hoppy hotcackes Busch expected, so they're thinking about unloading the brand. And wouldn't it be nice to bring it back to Latrobe? And who would be the people in the best position to do that? If you're drunk, stupid, or the CEO of Iron City, you might say Iron City could buy them. But you'd be forgetting the pants-shittingly insane amount of money they owe to everyone. Maybe they could start spending Monopoly money?


So to avoid spending money on new equipment and water, they'll have to buy new equipment and settle up their old water bill they were avoiding. So until their water bill savings tops whatever Pittsburgh forces them to pay in overdue bills, those financial advantages are canceled out. They're also pissing off nearly everyone in the city that comprises their primary market means absolutely nothing to their bottom line. And now they want to spend more money buying back other brands with damaged reputations and increase production so they can meet the huge demand that will suddenly appear once they start making the beer in a different building. The financial wizardry of Iron City continues to astound me. Seriously, what joker gives these people financial advice?

Iron City: Now with less iron!

So, Paddy sent me an article this morning: Iron City soon will be brewed in Latrobe. The headline pretty much says it all right there. But if you're not from Western Pennsylvania, you might still be confused even after reading the article, so I'll go into some more detail.

The "idled Latrobe brewery" is the Latrobe Brewing facility located in Latrobe, PA. They used to be the sole producer of Rolling Rock until Anheuser-Busch purchased the brand in 2006, and "moved" the brewing to their own facilities (read: started filling green bottles with Bud Light). I still have a 6-pack of ponies tucked away that were brewed in the Latrobe facility. I'm sure they're terrible by now, but I'll pretend they're great when I drink them some day.


But I digress. When Busch purchased Rolling Rock, Latrobe was hit hard. It was a huge source of jobs for the small town. Not much later, the plant opened back up to do contract brewing. "Contract brewing" you ask? Ah, well... that could be another article in itself. Big beer companies will sometimes play local breweries to make their beer instead of shipping from their main plant to that region. Do you enjoy that great Boston water they make Sam Adams from? No you don't. They fucking make it in Pittsburgh. Well... to be fair, its now made in many places, but originally all Sam Adams beer was brewed with the mighty waters of the Allegheny River.


So Latrobe Brewing has been doing that sort of thing for a few years, but Pittsburgh Brewing (or whatever they're calling themselves this month to dodge water bills) lost their contract with Sam Adams, and have been on the skids for awhile (see the article I linked to up above). And now Iron is moving to Latrobe. Which is great for Latrobe, don't get me wrong. I harbor no malice towards Latrobe. But Iron City is a Pittsburgh thing. And I don't mean it's a "Pittsburgh Tradition" or something like that, no; I mean it's named after the fucking city!



And not only do I not harbor any malice towards Latrobe, I actually liked old Rolling Rock better than Iron City! On a personal note, I'm kind of hoping Iron might start tasting more like old Rolling Rock once it's brewed in the glass lined tanks of Old Latrobe. But that's not the point. And neither is this:

"We're moving 40 miles down the road. We don't see that the sales will be impacted."

So, what do you mean by that, Mr. Hickman? Do you mean that your trucks won't use too much more gas for shipping? Or that the locals will speak the same language? People aren't pissed at you because they think sales of Iron City will drop because of your finincial shennanigans, they're pissed at you because you're firing all your workers during a peak in unemployment and selling off the old brewery during a trough in real estate value. Because you're betraying the name of the brand you're in charge of. Because you lied to the city and the union. Becuase you're skipping town owing a metric fuckton of money to damn near everyone in the city! I also heard you molest small dogs.

And I know Latrobe needs this. I know it will be good for them. But Pittsburgh isn't exactly a shining bastion of economic might, built from gold bricks and quail eggs. And the specific area Pittsburgh Brewing is moving out of has been trying to turn themselves around for about a decade, and they're starting to succeed! What you're doing is kind of like throwing bricks through your neighbor's brand new windows. And all the while you were "looking for new canning equipment." What were you really doing all that time?



But let's be frank, this decision was motivated by the financial success of the company. You don't owe any debt to Pittsburgh... well, actually, you do. A pretty big one. Like, two or three dump trucks crammed full of money. But you don't owe any sort of emotional debt to the city. You have no obligation to do the "right thing" here, assuming you have no sense of morality, justice, or conscience. If moving to a different brewery will make you more money, then perhaps that's the thing to do. And who cares if Pittsburghers won't drink Iron City anymore? You have your huge national and international market share to rely on. Right? And there's always the amazing taste of your product, that's probably won some medals or something. Right? It's not like Pittsburghers only drank it out of a sense of loyalty to your brand. Right? If everyone in the Pittsburgh area stopped drinking Iron City tomorrow, you'd totally still be swimming in money like Scrooge McDuck. Right?



It's an uber-dick move, buddy. You pulled a bait-and-switch. You strung everyone along, promising that you wouldn't pull the obvious cocksucker move everyone was expecting. You prentended to be a decent person, then... SURPRISE! Silly us, we should have known better than to think you were anything less than a complete, self-serving bastard.

Hope Latrobe doesn't make the same mistake...