Happy Saint Patty's Day

Yes, it's that time of year to don those tacky shamrock glasses, your favorite drinking shirt, and pound back 37 bottles of cheap green beer. Though the holiday was already celebrated this past Saturday in most cities in the U.S., that doesn't mean today shouldn't still be celebrated as well. There's only one problem. You have work in the morning. OK, I know some of you don't have jobs to worry about, but for the rest of us that attempt to contribute to society, this puts us in a bit of a predicament. Well hopefully you've gotten the binge out of the way over the weekend. After all, that's what weekend is are for. Fortunately there are plenty of ways to enjoy the good Irish spirit without getting totally shit faced, allowing you to function the next day at your normal capacity (about 23%).

Instead of hitting the club scene where overweight frat boys run around drunk in "Kiss Me I'm an Asshole" T-shirts and girls who should be wearing this on there belt buckle, try to do something a little low key. There are plenty of alternatives that let you enjoy the spirit of the Eire without losing your job the next day, or catching chlamydia.

I like to find a nice hole-in-the-wall bar or a traditional Irish pub. Or better yet, pickup some booze and host a little St. Patrick's Day celebration of own. Pickup some nice Irish stouts or a good porter. Guinness is the best known and is the stout by which all others are judged. It is definitely is fine brew, and I like to think of it as "liquid bread", but why not try something else this season. Grab yourself some Murphy's or Beamish. Murphy's Irish Stout is heavy in it's maltiness and has a chocolate finish that goes down smooth. Personally, I've never tried Beamish, but I hear it has a more roasted flavor than Guinness. Up until recent years, these three were about all you could get this side of the Atlantic. Fortunately, in the wave of new upstart micro brews here in the States, the American pallet has been primed and ready for some quality imports. Don't know what to look for? Find yourself a bar with a wide selection of bottles and more obscure brews on tap. Chances are the barkeep will be able to point you in the right direction.

Stouts too heavy for you? Then try your hand at an Irish red ale. Immediately when those words are uttered, people think of Killian's, but George Killian's Irish Red is NOT a red ale. It is in fact a lager style beer. It also happens to be an American brew produced by Coors. So if your trying to earn brownie points with the leprechauns, so they'll show you where their pot o' gold is, find something else to drink (if this has actually happened to you, you have gone and smoked yourself retarded). Some good Irish red ales include Smithwick's, Moling's Traditional Red Ale, or Galway Hooker.

Whatever you chose to drink this Saint Patrick's Day, don't forget to chase it down with a nice shot of Irish whiskey.

Hmmm, that's the good stuff.

Here's to a long life and a merry one.
A quick death and an easy one.
A pretty girl and an honest one.
A cold pint- and another one!

Beannachtam na Feile Padraig!

Damn Few

So you and a few friends are drinking, and a round of shots has appeared in front of you. Maybe you’re not too sure where they came from, but that doesn’t really matter at this point in the evening. You all grab a glass and raise it high, and then there’s that expectant pause. Someone has to say something… but what? You all wrack your brains. This has happened many times before, and each time someone has broken the silence with some reasonably appropriate verbalization, but which one of those words or phrases best fits this situation?

You’ve heard some in person, you’ve heard some in movies, there’s books full of them, maybe you’ve even thought of a clever one yourself; but when the moment is finally upon you, it’s hard to come up with something. Some people remedy the situation by having a stock utterance that they’ve used so often it naturally flows out of their mouth. This avoids being at a loss for words, but it risks your catch phrase becoming stale, no matter how clever it might be. And even if you do go with that method, you’d better have something pretty good picked out. What is there to choose from?

“Cheers!” is rather generic, but really not too bad when you think about it. Wishing cheer unto your fellow drinkers is a nice thought, and since you’re drinking there’s a good chance your wish for them will come true.

“Here’s mud in your eye!” Does anyone actually say that unless they’re playing a stuffy British person in a bad TV movie? I’m not sure where that came from. I suppose I could look up its origins on the internet, but it’s a safe bet whatever I’d find would be bullshit.

“Prost!” just makes me think of Donald Sutherland pounding beers in a hospital bed.

“Lechayim!” To life!

“Campai!” If you’re drinking rice wine, it should be illegal to say anything else, unless it somehow sounds more Asian or more dirty (don’t act like you don’t know what I mean by that.)

“Na zdorovia!” I’ve read that it isn’t really said in Russia anymore. I’ve also read it’s actually what they say when someone sneezes. I’ve also read that it’s their reply when someone says Thankyou. But I think that’s all bullshit, because two drunken Russians taught it to me while we were doing shots of vodka one night. And speaking of vodka…

“You know what they say about vodka, don’t you? One’s alright, two’s the most, three under the table, four under the host.” I suppose that’s not technically what we’re talking about here, but usually people laugh and raise their glasses after you say it.

“Here’s to swimmin’ with bow-legged women.” Once I said that one while actually dressed as Quint. The sheer awesomeness of that moment was so great, that it shattered windows and set off car alarms as far as 10 blocks away.

“To toast.” I love toast.

“Here’s to the Army and Navy, and the battle’s they have won; here’s to America’s colors, the colors that never run. May the Wings of Liberty never lose a feather.” I’ve said it a few times, but it’s long, pretentious sounding, and obscure enough that no one gets the reference.

“To life everlasting.” is something a friend of mine always drinks to. Sometimes it can be a bit of a downer if life uneverlasting has been on your mind lately, but it’s a nice romanticism to drink to.

“To us!” is something that I’ve drank to at someone’s suggestion, but if all the people in the group aren’t having sex with each other… it might be a bit awkward.

“Here’s to us and those like us” is a more palatable version of that. Another friend of mine would sometimes say it, to which someone else would then reply “Damn few.” Sometimes he’d just bypass the call and response by raising his glass and saying “Damn few!”

“Jimmy… you- you’re a- a fine brother, man. I mean, brother. An… an you got yurself a fine womn der… an… an you take care of him!!!! *sniffle* He’s the best damn (inaudible) an all I did… yeah. Yeah, I know I gotta talk into the micaphone!” This one is to be avoided.

“To booze!” is my ultimate exclamation whenever I’m lacking something to raise my glass to. It’s relevant to the situation, it’s on my mind at the moment, and it’s usually a sentiment everyone can agree with.

So those are things I’ve said, or others have said –and not a comprehensive list at all. There’s lots more that’s been said in my presence when drinking in honor of something.

What do you say when its time to raise your glasses high? We’d love to know.

Oh yeah, and...


Here's to booze!