Death of Me

It's been a little while since my last real random post.  I've been kind of busy with work and...and, ah who am I kidding.  I've just been sitting around playing with myself as usual.  But that still doesn't excuse me from falling behind with my duties.  As fortune would have it, the perfect random post has just fallen into my lap (don't worry, It didn't get sticky).  A friend of ours just sent us this link this morning and I really felt the need to say something about it.

http://www.barstools.net/booze_death/

If you checked it out, it's one of those internet quizzes.  You know, the kind that based on your answers, it lets you email all your friends what breed of Ewok you’d be.  Well this one is fairly quick and dirty.  Just input your weight, male/female, and select a drink.  When you click finish it tells you how many of that particular drink you'd have to ingest TO DIE.  Just for the record, to kill off this motherfucker, it will take 20 shots of whiskey, 23 glasses of red wine, 22 Appletinis, 26 cans of Yuengling or 23 Mojitos. I didn't bother checking Tequila because I already know I'm legally dead after just two or three.

Now I'm no tea-tottler, as anyone who’s been reading this blog would know, but even I can see that this is a bad idea.  I can see the developers brainstorming session now.

"OK fellas.  We need something new to draw people to our site.  I know, Let's take an internet gimmick that's immensely popular with people in the age range of between 14 and 23, and do one about alcohol.  Better yet, let's do it about how much of a certain drink it will take to kill you.  Our budget is shot so we aren't going to have any scientific data to back it up, but that's OK since we're just going to  grossly over-estimate all the figures anyways.  Jenkins!  How many rum and cokes did you drink that night we all went out to the strip club and you ended up vomiting all over the dancer's snatch?  16?  Ok, let's use that as the benchmark and add 30%.  Oh and fellas, don't forget to make it fun."

I love my booze, and am guilty of recently pushing the system myself.   It's no fun, and I bet I was out of it well before reaching any of the numbers they are giving here.  This website is bad bad bad.  Am I saying take it down?  HELL NO!  They have the right to put whatever crap they want on their site.  I follow Darwin’s thinking, so anyone stupid enough to actually try to drink 23 Appletinis is just doing society a favor and thinning out the herd.

Police officer:   How did he die?

EMT:   From alcohol poisoning. According to the bartender, he drank 18 Appletinis. His friends are all in shock, because some internet site told them he still had 5 more to go before he was in danger of kicking the bucket.

Police Officer:   Ugh...it's a shame to see our youth turning into such degenerates. I mean when I was a kid we'd never dream of drinking Appletinis. That's the sort of thing that would get your ass beat up.

EMT:   I know. What a fucking waste. I've put down 11 shots of Jack in one sitting before, but never pushed the limits much beyond that.

Police Officer:   Well, it looks like I gotta call his family and tell them the bad news. His father is going to be heartbroken over this one.  Such a shame.

EMT:   Yeah, on this kid's casket it's gonna read, "Jimmy Walton 1987 - 2009, Died of Pussy Drinks".

Police Officer:   Haha, when I go, I hope mine just reads "Died of Pussy".

EMT & Police Officer:   hahaha...haha...

Safe July 4th?

Well I guess I owe some thanks to B James and M Randolph for covering so well. I realize I've been slacking a bit as of late. But that's OK, I know I covered for them for like 2 months straight, so we're even ;)

I've just been real busy with work, home improvement projects, some family vacations, and most importantly of all, preparations for my big annual BBQ I host every summer. That's coming up in less than 2 weeks and I'm sure I'll have something to share about that later.

It's now 2 days after the 4th of July, and I hope that everyone had a fun and safe weekend.

I found this a day or two before the Holiday, but was out of town and unable to post it. It's just a simple warning about mixing booze with fireworks. I hope you heed it's warning for next year, if you didn't do so this year.

Don't Be an Ass

This Day in Booze: 10 Cent Beer Night

On June 4th 1975, in an effort to boost ticket sales, the Cleveland Indians held a 10 cent beer night. The promotion allowed fans to purchase as many 8oz cups of Stroh's Beer as they could hold down for just 10 cents a piece. As you could probably guess, what followed was a massive case of Fail.

The Municipal Stadium was packed with over 25,000 fans, compared to the previous season's average of only 8,000 per game. The Indians were up against the Texas Rangers, who not but a week earlier had gotten into a bench clearing brawl with the Indians during a "cheap beer night" game at Arlington Stadium, which ended with the crowd storming the field. So naturally, the most sensible thing to do is to one-up the Rangers and host an even more idiotic promotion of their own only one week later.

As the game progressed, the fans got drunker an drunker. Players were getting pelted with hot dogs, and one of the Rangers was almost struck with a one gallon jug of Thunderbird (don't ask me why someone would sneak a gallon jug of Thunderbird into a baseball game, or how. But he sounds like a guy I wanna party with).


When the Indians managed to rally in the 9th to tie the game at 5-5, the crowded was past gone and had reached its boiling point. A fan ran onto the field and attempted to steal an outfielders cap. In attempting to confront the fan, the player tripped, leading the Ranger's manager to think that his player had been attacked. The manager and the entire Ranger's bench stormed onto the field, some wielding bats. The fans in turn also charged to field armed with everything from knives, chains, broken bottles, and even parts of the stadium seats they had torn apart. The Indians, fearful of the rioting fans, actually picked up bats of there own and went out to DEFEND the opposing team.


Realizing that nothing could be done to restore order, the umpire called the game and forfeited the win to the Rangers.

And if you think that Cleveland learned their lesson, you'd be wrong. No, Cleveland decided to hold 3 more such events throughout the season. They changed the promotion so that a fan was limited to a max of four 10 cent beers, but still. Cleveland's got to be denser than a brick.

In modern times, such occurrences are practically nil, thanks to such ingenious ideas as not allowing fans to bring any outside food or drinks, except for enough peanuts and water to make a dixie cup look like a generous portion, and requiring fans to take out a second mortgage if they want to have more than two beers.


...Cleveland Sucks

Fail !!!

I have returned from Beerfest, and all I can say is "Fail...Massive fail." I discovered that there is no way to get through such a competition without puking. A lot of fuck'n puking.

In the end only 7 teams showed up. That means there were 9 teams who were smarter than us. Not a single person got through the competition without massive projectile vomiting at least once during, and many many times afterward. It wasn't a matter of consuming too much alcohol. It was a matter of consuming too much fluid, in general. The human body can only hold so much (some people more than others). Make that fluid carbonated and you end up with quite an ugly situation. If I chugged a 70 oz glass boot filled with root beer, I probably would have still thrown up.

This isn't to say that there aren't dangers in such events, nor am I saying we didn't get drunk. massive amounts of beer were consumed by all, but there were plenty of sober (smarter) people around to help out if someone needed it. It was definitely not one of my shining moments. But as I said, I survived. It's the day after and I got through it at near full capacity. I was even drinking beer today. Will I ever participate in another event like this? I don't know, but for right now I'm going to say "no way."

My only hope is that through my lack of judgment, I have spared you the pain and misery that comes with extreme stupidity. I have taken on that burden, so that you may drink on in moderate stupidity...as it should be.

Beerfest !!!

Today I embark on a quest to Brookville, PA. About an hour and a half northeast of Pittsburgh, this quaint remote town truly is in the heart of Pennsyltucky country. Like so many other small towns, the only real development is a 2-3 mile stretch around the interstate ramps. There are just enough amenities to support the local farmers, truckers passing through, and each other. Aside from farming, the one industry they can claim is that Brookville is where they make all the Major League baseball bats (that's why they're breaking all the time). The largest structure in town is the Sheetz mega gas station and convenience store, where all 48 gas pumps are in use full time, and the MTO line is 10 people deep. The second largest structure in town happens to house an adult video store.

About 15 'country' miles out of town, after traveling through rolling hills and valleys of farmland, we arrive at the backdrop for my adventure. A friend of mine is a co-owner of a small plot of land out in the middle of east-ka-bum-fuck. An old motor home has been built upon over the years, and now is a pleasant cabin with a large patio and a 15 ft diameter fire pit (FIRE!!!). On this beautiful plot of land, McPaddy and I will join 30 other individuals to engage in what may be the stupidest idea we've had in our adult lives... Beerfest!!!

That's right, we're doing it. And I assure you that nothing good is going to come of this weekend. It will be a day-long endurance trial involving 16 two man teams and nearly a dozen different drinking games.

The games will include a rotation of 30 minute rounds to engage in the following games throughout the day: Flip Cup, Das Boot, Shotgun, Quarters, 3 Speed, Putt Putt, War, Balance Beam. Teams will earn points based on performance during the event. After a break for dinner, the final round will begin with each teammate participating in either Edward 40 Hands, where two 40s are duct taped to your hands, or the Power Hour Dance Off, where each person takes a shot of beer every minute while dancing until only one man is left standing (uh, dancing). Additional points can be either earned or deducted for various acts of drunken godliness or the inevitable party foul.

The weeks leading up to this event have been filled with both anticipation and apprehension. As I state at the beginning, this may be one of the more idiotic things that I've done.

The Disclaimer: We here at JABB do not encourage or condone such activities. Do not try this at home. We are professional alcoholics,and therefore do not have any brain cells left to tell us this is a very bad idea.

PSA - those blue lips aren't hypothermia

It's interesting that B. James just posted his Thunderbird commercial. I had to modify my latest post a little here to make note of it.

After looking back on our last few months of posts, we've been on a little bit of a run with posts preaching responsibility with alcohol. We happen to be professional alcoholic, and the things we do should not be tried by...well, anyone. "Do as we say, not as we do." In these economic times, we find ourselves stretching our booze budgets. But at what point do you draw the line? At what point do you replace thrifty with just plain f*ck'n stupid? Well thanks to our friends over at cracked.com we have an answer. Once again Cracked has come to our aid, and has generated a list of the world's 5 worst ways to get drunk.

The next time your thinking about grabbing that bottle of Thunderbird, why not instead take a ride on the Night Train Express.

EDIT: Sorry R-Dicks (R Huge), but I just have to add this, about Blue Nun: the wine so bad it made the news! ~mR 

Red Flag

Opps?!? I may have accidentally flagged my own blog for objectionable content. To those who oversee our little forum to the world, I have only one thing to say... "My Bad."

I mean it isn't easy when you've been drinking and all the text across the top of the screen is backwards and in Arabic. How was I supposed to know which button was which.

But I guess if they're scanning our site for objectionable content now, I might as well give them some.

I find this image highly objectionable, for many reasons that don't need explaining.