It's A Mad Mad Mad Mad Monk

So I needed two Coronas to make some cheese dip for Richard's recent party. Now, I don't like Corona. I just don't. I like this picture:



...but I don't like actually drinking the beer. So I found a place I thought might sell me less than a case. You may recall us saying from previous posts (here and here) that buying less than a case of beer in Pennsylvania isn't easy. Well, a place opened up recently that first called itself a beer distributor, then said it was a "bottle shop", then said it was a bottle shop "now with food!" So I stopped on in.

The place had a couple hundred different kinds of beer in large coolers, lined up like Gatorade bottles in the back of a 7-11. The owner (I presume) came up to me and asked what I was looking for. I explained my situation and asked how little Corona he could sell me. He said one bottle. Then he held up a hammer that happened to be in his hand and said "Hell, I'll sell you half a bottle, if you want!" He seems like a cool guy.

I asked how he got around the strict PA liquor laws, and he was happy to explain. First, the building is separated into two parts which are treated as totally different businesses with separate cash registers. The one part can't sell you a case (the bottle shop), the other can only sell you a case (the distributor). (I'm sure somehow that keeps women and children safe at night.) Then, because they serve food in the "bottle shop" section, you are welcome to buy a beer and have a seat at a table to drink it right there. Or, if you don't open it, you can take the bottle home with you. It didn't have liquor, I don't believe they're allowed. It didn't have a bar with stools, I think that was just an interior design choice. But all in all, it seems like a nice place to hang out and try different beers at a reasonable price. Also, for someone like me who prefers liquor, it's a place I can buy only as much beer as I want, and not have a partially empty case sitting around for 2 years.

Anyway, he said I can buy as little or as much as I wanted of anything available. So after grabbing a couple bottles of Corona, I picked out a Delirium, which I know I like, and browsed around to pick up another bottle. They had the full compliment of Great Lakes, quite a few even smaller breweries, even some girlie drinks like Sminoff Ice. But something caught my eye...


... something sinister...


... yet compelling...


... a demanding nature almost impossible to kill...



... so I bought a bottle.

Old Rasputin Imperial Stout

"Produced in the tradition of 18th Century English brewers who supplied the court of Russia's Catherine the Great, Old Rasputin seems to develop a cult following wherever it goes. It's a rich, intense brew with big complex flavors and a warming finish."

Vital Statistics
Style: Russian Imperial Stout
Color: Black
ABV: 9%
Bitterness: 75 IBU's
91 Points, Rated "Exceptional" by the Beverage Testing Institute, Chicago

Only problem is... it sucks. Well, not hard. Not like Corona. Or the cartoon Corona chick (so I've heard). I've had some pretty thick and dark beers. Beers where the brewer had a heavy hand with the chocolate malt. Beers that make Guiness seems like... well, Corona. But this isn't one of them. It felt rather thin in the mouth, which make it go down easy, in some respects. But the real problem I had with it is the flavor was like sucking on the wrong end of a lit cigar.


It may sound like I'm being a bit harsh on it, and maybe I am, but that's the closest thing I can come up with to describe the flavor. If it tasted like peanut butter, I'd say it tasted like peanut butter. If it tasted like pussy, I'd say it tasted like pussy. But it didn't. It tasted like cigar ash.

It's far from the worst beer I've had, though. I mean, I finished it. But the best part is definitely the label. You just can't go wrong with Rasputin. I mean, dude had pertinent crazy eyes!



I've been a fan of Raspitin's for quite some time. He could waggle his willy in public, and still get invited back to dinner at the fucking palace! His profession was as a holy man with the ability to heal and see the future, but he lived the life of a rock star and made no attempt to hide it at all. He also had possibly the most bizarre pickup line ever: "Would you like to confess your sins to me? You have no sins? Well, how about you and me to into the back room and do some serious sinning, then you can confess it to me?" And he made that shit work!


Not to get totally off track here, but they had to disembowel, poison, stab, and shoot the dude multiple times before he finally drown to death. They also might have cut off his cock and balls. I found a supposed picture of them in a jar with a really hot Russian chick checking them out (See? Still a player!) but it was a bit too disgusting for me to continue this article discussing flavor. If you really want to see it, here's the article it came from.

The Delirium, however, was outstanding as usual. Fruity, sweet, bitter, clean, crisp, and strong. It's just so fucking good! You can't go wrong. Years ago, I accidentally got completely wasted on their Christmas ale on my lunch break. I had no idea how strong it was until me and a coworker were completely sideways. It took forever for 5PM to roll around that day. So if you do have a beer with lunch, always check the alcohol content!



The Corona, well, I tried a few swigs from the bottles as I was cooking, but I still just don't like it. I know the stories about workers pissing in the bottles have been legally proven to be slander, but it still tastes just a bit pissy to me. Sorry, hot cartoon Corona chick.

So in spite of the absolutely awesome label, I just don't see myself buying Old Rasputin Imperial Stout again.










... well maybe now and then...









... I'll go buy 6 cases now...









... and get you the phone numbers of hot Russian chicks...









... lots of hot Russian chicks...

Coughing up hairballs

Richard Dicks harps a lot on PA liquor laws, and there are certainly a lot of unusual and prudish ones on the books around here. They restrict when you can sell, what you can sell, who you can buy from... there's state run stores for all wine and distilled spirits, there's tight restrictions on what size packages a beer distributor can sell. There's no true beer barrels allowed, only half-barrels. You can't have an open container of alcohol in your vehicle. You can't walk down the sidewalk drinking. You can't drink a 6-pack in the establishment that sold it to you. But many of these laws exist in other states. In fact, there are quite a few places in this country that are more squeamish when it comes to alcohol. For instance:


Des Moines does not allow patrons to run up tabs at a bar.

Until recently, bars in South Carolina could only serve liquor from small "airline" bottles.

Liquor stores in Indiana can't sell pop or milk.

Bars in Oregon must sell some kind of food.

Texas doesn't allow its citizens to own the Encyclopedia Brittanica because it has a recipe to make beer somewhere in it. Does that mean you also aren't allowed to go to blogs like ours?

No 40's allowed in Florida.



In Portland, bars can have happy hour specials, but they aren't allowed to advertise them in any way - even on a placard out front!

Until a month ago, bartenders had to hide from patrons while mixing drinks in Utah.

In Massachusetts, you must keep bottles of booze covered or disguised in some fashion while carrying them in public.




But there are some things that people say are weird, but are really quite common:

No booze in the grocery stores is a big one. It seems to be mostly displaced Californians whining about this one, as many states have this restriction. I saw one person bitching that you can't acquire alcohol from a department store in some states. Who the fuck goes to Macy's to pick up a six pack??

Many people bitch and moan about not being able to buy liquor on Sundays, Holidays, and election days; but so many people are bitching and moaning because that law is quite common. So get over it, and plan ahead when you want to have a bender on a Tuesday.



But there is one frighteningly common weird liquor law that doesn't get nearly as much attention as not being able to buy 40's from the Piggly Wiggly on a Sunday; I'm talking about NO BOOZE AT ALL!



Shocking. Horrifying! Is there some charity that fights to eliminate this crime against humanity? Can we hold people accountable for this in an international court of some kind?

Well, until the day comes when this atrocity is wiped from the face of the planet, don't feel so bad the next time your bartender charges you 10% extra before opening your airline bottle of fortified wine behind a folding screen. It could be a lot worse!

I Got the Blues

Pennsylvania Blue Laws are getting me down. I just read this article online today at KDKA's website (Giant Eagle Applies for Liquor License). The headline got me kind of excited. Had the State finally changed their bass-ackward laws? Was this the first step in the right direction to true freedom of inebriation? Sadly no. I commend Giant Eagle and their efforts to fight the system, but without real changes in the legislation these little victories just aren't doing it for me anymore.

A quick sinopsis of Pennsylvania Blue Laws:
- You can only by wine or spirits at the State run liquor stores. One exemption to this law is wineries themselves. They are permitted to sell their own product on the premises.
- Beer can only be purchased at a licensed beer distributor or six pack shop. Distributor are only allowed to sell beer by the case (24+), and Six pack shops by...well, six packs (really expensive six packs).
- Liquor stores are only open till 9PM, and all except for the larger ones are closed on Sundays.
- Up until recent years, the beer distributors were also closed on Sundays.


These wonderful laws mean that while at the grocery store, there is no beer aisle to walk down for you to purchase something cold and frothy to wash down the pretzels and 20 cans of Cheez Whiz you just bought. It means that you can't swing by the corner gas station for a quick six pack or bottle of wine on the way home from a long a day at work. It's 11PM, your girlfriend just broke up with you, and you need a fifth of something stiff to drown your sorrows; you're shit outta luck.

Now in truth, the State Store system doesn't bother me as much as the beer. There are tons of State Stores around and you always know that no matter which store you go into, you're gonna find a decent selection and the price is always the same. I've done a lot of traveling, and I will say that the State Stores are competitively priced compared to liquor prices in other states. In some States all you can find is Joe's Liquor, where you have a grand selection of 20 dust covered bottles, and the guy manning the register looks like your aunt Beth on crack, but with a smaller mustache. I love the selection here in PA. The Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board happens to be the largest single purchaser of wines and spirits in the Country. That means purchasing power, which on many occasions has led me to find some killer deals. Hell, they even have free tastings several times a week. But most of things I like about the State Store system have nothing to do with it being run by the State. It's because they are so freek'n large and you can find them everywhere. The benefits would still be there if run in the private sector, and at least you'd have more options when caught in a jam.

For instance, several years back there was a very bad snow storm on Valentine's Day. The State decided to shut down all non-essential government jobs and send people home early. Well the liquor stores are run by the State, and all the workers are government employees. What happened was, every average Joe who was planning on stopping in for a bottle of wine on their way home from work was left standing out in the cold...literally. There goes that nice romantic evening you had planned. The government was responsible for hundreds, maybe thousands, of men NOT getting laid that special evening. That is completely unacceptable in my book, and that makes me a sad panda.

From the article, Giant Eagle continues to fight the good fight. One of their grocery stores had a State Store built inside of it several years back, but it was essentially still its own entity. It has its own separate registers and all the employees are with the State. It's just your typical State Store that you happened to have to walk through a grocery store to get to. This new six pack shop is going to be the same thing. The employees won't be with the State, but it will still have to be a separate entity that just happens to be connected to the grocery store. It's still gonna be just another typical six-pack shop. The prices will still be 3 times what they should. There are just too many restrictions. I think Giant Eagle's plan is to show the government that having everything in one place (one-stop-shop) isn't a bad thing. We can say it over and over again, but by actually doing it and showing that it works, hopefully it will have some effect.

Every time a vote comes up on this subject in Harrisburg, the naysayers and the tea tottlers all scream "Evil, evil, sin, sin!!! By making alcohol more accessible, people will drink more, babies will die, drunk driving will become an epidemic, and your daughter will get knocked up by a black man! Do you want that on your conscience!" I mean really. By keeping me from buying a 12 pack of beer and forcing me to by a whole case, you are keeping me from drinking too much? Because me walking down the block to the 7-Eleven to get a bottle of wine, when I might have had a little too much already, is so much more dangerous than me getting in my car to drive the two miles to the nearest Wines & Spirits. And worst of all, all these damn Blue Laws have forced me to take measures into my own hands and build a fully stocked bar in my basement. Anyone who knows me will tell you "that is a bad idea." If that isn't being irresponsible, I don't know what is.