5 Worst Liquors To Put On Your Penis

As only an alcoholic would, or maybe a Catholic Priest, I accepted the challenge laid before me and present you with this little nugget I pulled from my brain, which means it's of lower quality than the lint I pulled from my belly button the other day. The great loosener of one's lips and women's inhibitions, alcohol makes people do some pretty weird (stupid) things at times. And I mean weird. Not the typical, you got drunk and tried to mount your grandma's vacuum cleaner during last year's family reunion, and then propose a threesome when your great aunt Beth catches you. Or was that aunt Ruth...

Or maybe chugging citronella, because you're too wasted to realize that it's not your long island, and subsequently throwing chunks all over your friends new baby when you couldn't hold it down. No, we've all done THAT sort of stuff. I mean really weird.

The combining of perishable food items with sex is a Dionysian pursuit of which I have never fully grasped. I mean I get it. I understand the eroticism and carnal pleasure that which is enjoyed in engaging in such á la carte activities. I just don't dig it. All I can think about is how sticky things are gonna get afterward, am I going to have to wash the sheets, or is my boss going to notice the marshmallow cream and jujubes stuck in my hair the next morning. I suppose I would take the same stance when it comes to alcohol. I love alcohol. But do I really want to drink tequila from between some woman's toes as she pours it down her leg ...moment to think about it... No. I know it sounds like fun at first. That's until you get a piece of sock fuzz and toe jam stuck between your teeth and wonder why you have a sudden craving for Dr. Scholls. After you've taken a moment to clear that image out of your head, I give you the 5 worst liquors to put on your penis.

#5. Tequila

As I mentioned it above, tequila has to be one of the more popular topical inebriators. It never fails. It's the shirt lifting, bead hoarding co-ed's drink of choice. Where tequila flows stupid things are bound to follow. First and foremost as to why I'd prefer eating mystery dumpster yogurt to putting tequila on my body is that it burns. I'm also pretty sure the salt and lime wedge can't be all that pleasant either. It does, however, give a whole new meaning to the term "eating the worm." (yes, I know it's mezcal that has the worm. Work with me here.) The point I'm trying to get at is that tequila has no place on a guy's penis. On a woman's body, however, is a completely different story.


#4. Jägermeister

Jäger definitely has a history of manliness to it. I mean, the literal translation is "hunt-master."

There's even a German poem about it, calling it a sign of honor, a badge of glory. Who wouldn't want to put it on their schlong. I wouldn't. It's stickier than the floor of an adult theater. It's the anti-lube. It serves no practical purpose in the bedroom from what I can tell, except to make your genitals smell like licorice. It's all the rage these days. I hear Axe is coming out with a new anisette scent next month. It's also cold (if served properly), which means your little storm trooper is likely to turn into a little Schildkröte, and nobody wants that.


#3. Whiskey

Bourbon, Scotch, Irish, Canadian, Rye it doesn't matter which one you speak of, they are all grouped together in on big "I don't belong on your skin" category. It burns. It fuck'n burns (worse than the stray shot in the eye, I hear). Is there really anything more that needs to be said. I put it on my forearm for 30 seconds and I have a red rash that stays with me all night. Do you really want that "down there?" Do you think you're gonna drop your pants and women are gonna say, "gimme some of that" after they see what it's done? No, they're going to turn tail and run like you have the bubonic plague in your pants.

When I go into a bar and order a double Wild Turkey, it turns a few heads. When I ask for it in a wider glass so that I can dip my balls in it, it usually ends with a black eye and a nice quiet evening alone at the police station for indecent exposure. Oh, did I forget to mention, and a sore throbbing dick. Just don't do it.


#2. Goldschläger

This one ranks above both whiskey and Jäger in that it not only burns, but is sticky as well. That's just great. It's basically like on oil fire on your crotch. It burns like a motherfucker and pouring water on it only helps it to spread. At least Jägermeister is like an herbal salve. It's the holistic approach for the hippy alcoholics interested in spicing up their love life.

I know that most women love gold, but those little flakes stuck to your penis are more likely to make her think you have some horrible rare STD than put a sparkle in her eye. I don't use cinnamon toothpaste anymore because it burns too much, why would I want it on my dick.


#1. Everclear

If you haven't notice a recurring theme amongst the runners-up I'll state it again. Alcohol Burns. Things that burn do not belong on your crotch. I mean, I like to use Gold Bond down there. The mentholated tingle is kind of refreshing, and powdering up keeps me dry and fresh all day, but that's pretty much where I draw the line. Therefore at 95% alcohol-by-volume, the hands down winner has to be Everclear.

It's over twice as potent that most of your whiskeys, and it'll strip paint off the walls. If you happen to have a bad case of crabs, perhaps Everclear is just what you need, but what do I know. I'm not a doctor.

For the rest of you people out there, just try to heed my warning the next time you get drunk and things start to get a little kinky. Just because it tastes good, it isn't worth a trip to the ER. Try explaining that one to the duty nurse.

Jews and Berries

The price of blackberries dipped significantly enough that Paddy and I decided it was time to make some blackberry wine last weekend. So, we hopped in his truck and headed to our best source of quality brewing and wine-making ingredients: Sam's Club.

Seriously, though, we get funny looks buying 25 lbs of fruit and 12 lbs of sugar anywhere else. The stock boys look at you funny when you ask if they have any more flats of blueberries in the back, and the best guess most people have as to what the hell you're doing with a shopping cart full of strawberries is making 80 pies.


Now, in light of our Ginger Sockpiss and Blueberry Fail, we decided to really try to be sanitary about this whole thing. We were careful to sort out any blackberries that looked the least bit moldy, and then soaked them all in a no-rinse solution. Is it safe to do that? We have no idea. I guess we'll find out in a year or so when we drink it. Paddy plans to gift a bottle to someone we don't really like before trying it ourselves. But no-rinse is supposed to lose its potency after about 15 minutes, and we also rinsed the berries with clean water afterward.

Then came the boil - or lack thereof. Maybe it was all the sugar raising the boiling point, or maybe the burner just wouldn't get hot enough. Either way, it just kind of simmered for 90 minutes or so. We added sugar, and it was hot enough to dissolve that right away with no problem. It was quite thick and syrupy at this point, and the specific gravity looked dead on, though we suspected the high temperature may have skewed the reading. But it was still only simmering, I think we should have used the turkey fryer (as discussed here and here .)

But the length of time wasn't a concearn, because Paddy had something to keep us occupied: professionally made blackberry wine! I've never had blackberry wine, so I thought it would be interesting to see what it was supposed to taste like while we were making our batch. Paddy got out a couple glasses, then reached into his fridge and pulled out the wine.

Some of your aren't sure where I'm going with this. Others just threw up a little in the back of their mouths.

You see... I always thought Manischewitz was kosher wine. I was wrong. So, so wrong. It's not kosher wine, it's kosher Mad Dog.



The stuff tasted like a grape popsicle! I had trouble downing the very first glass Paddy poured for me. I ended up just gulping most of it down at once. And it's not like Manischewitz is a terrible company, their matza balls rock! So... what the fuck is wrong? Well, it seems there might be a reason beyond bad wine making. Check it out - from the sole repository of our species' culture and knowledge (Wikipedia):

The sweetness of Manischewitz wine and other kosher wines is often the fodder of jokes. However, Kosher wine does not have to be sweet. One of the reasons for the prevalence of sweet kosher wine in the U.S., and in the Americas generally, dates back to the early days of Jews in America, when there was the need to locally produce kosher wine for the Kiddush ritual on the Shabbat and holidays. The combination of a limited choice of grape varieties that could grow in the areas where Jews had settled, along with limited time available to produce the wine and a market dominated by hard cider, yielded a bitter wine that had to be sweetened to make it palatable.[citation needed]

Indeed, so well-known is the sweet Manischewitz variety in the U.S. that the existence of a thriving kosher wine industry anchored by vineyards in France and Israel, along with a growing U.S. industry, is often a surprise to Americans unaccustomed to taking kosher wine seriously.

Joke fodder? Well, I have to say the first thing that came into my mind when I tasted it was "I have to make fun of this in a blog post!" But I somehow feel bad. I mean... if that's how it's supposed to taste... and obviously people buy it.... but do the people buying it just not know of any other kosher wines? I sure as shit didn't. But then, it's not a subject I've really ever looked into, with my whole not being Jewish thing I have going on.

It's easy to see why most people only know of Manischewitz; it took me all of 5 seconds to find www.kosherwine.com. They have 4 wines on the first page alone, quintupling the number of kosher wines I knew about. And they run the full gambit from $4.99 to way the fuck more than I can afford to spend on a bottle of wine. And they have names like Tierra Salvaje, Bartenura Moscato, and Chateau Labegorce. Wow! And that "wow" wasn't sarcastic, I'm genuinely wowed by such things. The wines I drink never have names that fancy!



Not enough? Try Online Kosher Wines or Kosher - Wines.

But this raises the question of what the hell makes a wine kosher? Paddy's guess was no bacon (our wine making process is complex). Here is an explaination (it's not the bacon thing) by Yael Zisling; and with a name like that, I'm inclined to trust him on this matter.

If you're too lazy to click on the link, it mainly has to do with when the grapes are harvested and who is allowed to touch them (not me). But in reading his description, I saw absolutely nothing requiring kosher wine to taste like a fucking grape popsicle. I guess, in the end, it's just another instance of a large company making low-quality product. Manischewitz is so big compared to Sol de Chile or Galil Mountain, that they're all you really know about unless you look into it. I'm kind of curious to try some of those, though most places won't mail order to my state, as it is illegal. But if I get the chance, and it's not one of the $90 bottles, I'll have to try some.

Now, I figure Jewish readers (assuming we have Jewish readers, assuming we have readers at all) are bitching at their computer screens; saying that most Jews know of these (probably) much more delicious kosher wines, and the only reason I've only heard of Manischewitz is that I'm not Jewish. That's quite possible, but what can I say?



So anyway, we kind of simmered the must for maybe 90 minutes, then just gave up. It was late. I know the right thing to do would have been to get out the turkey fryer and boil the hell out of it, but I wanted to go home and go to sleep. We may pay for this in the end, the Blueberry Fail is still sitting outside somewhere at Paddy's place, probably just a bucket of fuzz by this point. Is the blackberry wine doomed to the same fate? Quite possibly, only time will tell.

We then cooled it with our cooling coil, mentioned here, and pitched the yeast. Only then did we remember that we didn't take the starting specific gravity. So even though you're supposed to do that before adding yeast, we pulled some out and got a disappointingly low reading. Too little sugar. The temperature had indeed influenced the earlier specific gravity reading. So even if the no-rinse didn't render the berries poisionous, even if it doesn't mold over... it will still be pretty weak wine. Paddy suggested slowly adding more sugar over the course of fermentation, so as to not kill the yeast by giving it too much sugar at once, but my trusty Alaskan Bootlegger's Bible says that's how you make a wine very sweet. The sweet Manischewitz blackberry wine was bad enough; I don't need 3 gallons of moldy, poisonous, weak, sweet, not kosher, home-made Manischewitz.







(Oh, and "House Wine" might have a cheap sounding name and cheap looking label, and it may not be kosher, but it is inexpensive and fucking awesome. Bold yet velvety smooth with very little acidity while not losing the full flavor you want in a red wine. I highly recommend you pick some up!

And if you got the "Jews and Berries" joke without Googling it, it's quite possible you haven't set foot outside since 1985. Go fishing, or something.)

Brewery Jobs: not all bad news.

Referring back to our earlier posts (here, here and here) on doomsday for liquor professionals... not all of the news is bad. While Johnny Walker consolidates, Brew Dog, also up in Scotland, are expanding. They've bounced their local government out of their offices to open more fementers, to open British hearts and palettes to more interesting and powerful flavors in their beers. [EDIT: THESE GUYS ARE SO BAD ASS THEY MADE A 1858 IPA RECIPE AND SENT THE BEER TO SEA FOR 2 MONTHS TO TRY AND GET IT RIGHT!]

This spirit can only do great things, British beers having gotten less creative as CAMRA has promoted a rather homogenous product. 'As long as its cask,' no breathers of course, (despite studies, by CAMRA, showing no difference) so if you can't sell a firkin (87 pints) in 5 days it'll be ruined. But remember to TOE THE LINE boys, image over substance, (dirty fucking 'Tabs). Grumble, grumble and that's another post.



And despite the cowardly running away of Iron City, breweries that have the stones to be interesting are hiring. Stone's looking for people, as is Dogfish head, both on Twitter no less.


The moral of the story, in a recession, business as usual might not do so well, but adventurous, interesting companies will be well poised to start an expansion. If you can't afford beer every day, that one special beer will be very important, and oh, look who's doing well.

(Above: The Brewers from Dogfish Head)

Mr. Badger, We Salute You!

Mr. Badger, We Salute You!
http://www.thelocal.de/society/20090708-20453.html