5 Worst Liquors To Put On Your Penis

As only an alcoholic would, or maybe a Catholic Priest, I accepted the challenge laid before me and present you with this little nugget I pulled from my brain, which means it's of lower quality than the lint I pulled from my belly button the other day. The great loosener of one's lips and women's inhibitions, alcohol makes people do some pretty weird (stupid) things at times. And I mean weird. Not the typical, you got drunk and tried to mount your grandma's vacuum cleaner during last year's family reunion, and then propose a threesome when your great aunt Beth catches you. Or was that aunt Ruth...

Or maybe chugging citronella, because you're too wasted to realize that it's not your long island, and subsequently throwing chunks all over your friends new baby when you couldn't hold it down. No, we've all done THAT sort of stuff. I mean really weird.

The combining of perishable food items with sex is a Dionysian pursuit of which I have never fully grasped. I mean I get it. I understand the eroticism and carnal pleasure that which is enjoyed in engaging in such á la carte activities. I just don't dig it. All I can think about is how sticky things are gonna get afterward, am I going to have to wash the sheets, or is my boss going to notice the marshmallow cream and jujubes stuck in my hair the next morning. I suppose I would take the same stance when it comes to alcohol. I love alcohol. But do I really want to drink tequila from between some woman's toes as she pours it down her leg ...moment to think about it... No. I know it sounds like fun at first. That's until you get a piece of sock fuzz and toe jam stuck between your teeth and wonder why you have a sudden craving for Dr. Scholls. After you've taken a moment to clear that image out of your head, I give you the 5 worst liquors to put on your penis.

#5. Tequila

As I mentioned it above, tequila has to be one of the more popular topical inebriators. It never fails. It's the shirt lifting, bead hoarding co-ed's drink of choice. Where tequila flows stupid things are bound to follow. First and foremost as to why I'd prefer eating mystery dumpster yogurt to putting tequila on my body is that it burns. I'm also pretty sure the salt and lime wedge can't be all that pleasant either. It does, however, give a whole new meaning to the term "eating the worm." (yes, I know it's mezcal that has the worm. Work with me here.) The point I'm trying to get at is that tequila has no place on a guy's penis. On a woman's body, however, is a completely different story.


#4. Jägermeister

Jäger definitely has a history of manliness to it. I mean, the literal translation is "hunt-master."

There's even a German poem about it, calling it a sign of honor, a badge of glory. Who wouldn't want to put it on their schlong. I wouldn't. It's stickier than the floor of an adult theater. It's the anti-lube. It serves no practical purpose in the bedroom from what I can tell, except to make your genitals smell like licorice. It's all the rage these days. I hear Axe is coming out with a new anisette scent next month. It's also cold (if served properly), which means your little storm trooper is likely to turn into a little Schildkröte, and nobody wants that.


#3. Whiskey

Bourbon, Scotch, Irish, Canadian, Rye it doesn't matter which one you speak of, they are all grouped together in on big "I don't belong on your skin" category. It burns. It fuck'n burns (worse than the stray shot in the eye, I hear). Is there really anything more that needs to be said. I put it on my forearm for 30 seconds and I have a red rash that stays with me all night. Do you really want that "down there?" Do you think you're gonna drop your pants and women are gonna say, "gimme some of that" after they see what it's done? No, they're going to turn tail and run like you have the bubonic plague in your pants.

When I go into a bar and order a double Wild Turkey, it turns a few heads. When I ask for it in a wider glass so that I can dip my balls in it, it usually ends with a black eye and a nice quiet evening alone at the police station for indecent exposure. Oh, did I forget to mention, and a sore throbbing dick. Just don't do it.


#2. Goldschläger

This one ranks above both whiskey and Jäger in that it not only burns, but is sticky as well. That's just great. It's basically like on oil fire on your crotch. It burns like a motherfucker and pouring water on it only helps it to spread. At least Jägermeister is like an herbal salve. It's the holistic approach for the hippy alcoholics interested in spicing up their love life.

I know that most women love gold, but those little flakes stuck to your penis are more likely to make her think you have some horrible rare STD than put a sparkle in her eye. I don't use cinnamon toothpaste anymore because it burns too much, why would I want it on my dick.


#1. Everclear

If you haven't notice a recurring theme amongst the runners-up I'll state it again. Alcohol Burns. Things that burn do not belong on your crotch. I mean, I like to use Gold Bond down there. The mentholated tingle is kind of refreshing, and powdering up keeps me dry and fresh all day, but that's pretty much where I draw the line. Therefore at 95% alcohol-by-volume, the hands down winner has to be Everclear.

It's over twice as potent that most of your whiskeys, and it'll strip paint off the walls. If you happen to have a bad case of crabs, perhaps Everclear is just what you need, but what do I know. I'm not a doctor.

For the rest of you people out there, just try to heed my warning the next time you get drunk and things start to get a little kinky. Just because it tastes good, it isn't worth a trip to the ER. Try explaining that one to the duty nurse.

I can has a flavor?

So the "ultra-premium" vodka thing was big a few years back, and it still continues to some degree. I kind of appreciated it as a trend, and I kind of didn't. I'd mostly been a drinker of Nikolai, because it usually gets chucked in with strong-tasting mixers. But when people would see what I'm putting in their drink, they'd start bitching. (I eventually had to upgrade my well vodka to Smirnoff to quell this tidal wave of dissatisfaction.) But I still prefer the Nikolai, because it stands up to mixers and lets you know there's vodka in your beverage.

During the ultra-premium vodka craze, lack of flavor was the goal. Distilleries used the "choicest" grains for their mash, then brutally ran it through high-efficiency, industrial-grade column stills until most of the flavor was gone, then filtered out what was left. This achieved a neutral spirit that would be nearly indistinguishable to completely transparent when mixed into a cocktail.

Thing is, something like that had already existed for quite some time:



Wait... not fancy enough...



There we go.

It's not that I don't appreciate the ultra-premium vodkas. Grey Goose and Belvedere are fantastic spirits. I've had them many times, and I've even requested them when drinking out and purchased them for home consumption. But if you categorize them by flavor, they belong on the shelf above Le Everclear, not the shelf above Nikolai.

Does that mean I think Nikolai is better than Grey Goose? Well... catch me when I'm drunk and I might say yes just to start an argument, but the real answer is no. Grey Goose is a far better spirit than Nikolai. But in a way, I feel that Nikolai has more right to call itself vodka. It tastes like vodka, whereas Grey Goose tastes like Everclear cut with expensive bottled water. Becuase that's what it is. But that's good in its own way! In fact, I'm getting kind of thirsty for an ice cold shot of Grey Goose to sip on just thinking about it.

So I guess the real argument here is: is absence of flavor a flavor? And if the answer is yes, then does that mean Belvedere is also the world's finest bourbon? Or even the world's finest flank steak? If you close your eyes and think about it, Absolut vodka has the complete absence of Chicken Kiev flavor in it. Mmmmmm.... herbed butter....


But I digress. The trend in vodka continued on into "flavored vodkas", which again seems like a misnomer to me. When you take a neutral spirit and infuse it with some non-alcoholic flavor, I always called it a liqueur. So is De Kuyper the finest producer of flavored vodkas? Furthermore, does that mean gin is really juniper vodka? It's a slippery slope, to be sure.

So what is vodka to me? Well, the flavor you get when you drink some Nikolai or Smirnoff. But that doesn't mean that I think vodka has to be cheap. There's some top-shelf stuff that didn't jump on the no-flavor bandwagon. Pick up a bottle of Frïs, Iceberg, or Tito's Handmade Vodka and you'll get a nice, solid vodka flavor that is finely crafted but still well defined. Or if you want a real treat in the flavorful world of ultra-premium-real-vodka, go get a bottle of Ciroc.

Ciroc was the primary ingredient in what is hands-down the best vodka martini I have ever had. A tiny piece of lemon rind in the bottom, shaken over ice so well that the top of the beverage began to freeze over, and perhaps someone sat a bottle of dry vermouth next to it. It was called a "Ciroc Perfect Martini" on the menu, and I must say I haven't had a better vodka martini before or since. And as good as they are, I can't imagine a flavorless vodka standing up to even the tiniest hint of lemon and vermouth with a pleasing result. You need a vodka with a little backbone to pull of a good martini, and Ciroc definitely fits the bill.

So I'm not saying go throw out your Grey Goose, that would be a terrible shame. It has its place of honor in my bar at home, and it should in yours as well. But when someone asks for something made with a top-shelf vodka, try reaching for something like Frïs or Ciroc. You'll be doing them a favor.