Just another blog about booze: Drinking booze, making booze (only as legally allowed), finding booze, criticizing booze, and why the Canadians can't make a booze worth drinking.
Updated regularly! Almost every day! Or... at least, when we're not too hung over.
The biggest problem facing modern drinkers? Cameras.
Everyone has at least three cameras on their person at any given time. Every single device sold at Best Buy has a fucking camera in it. Every phone, PDA, mp3 player, cigarette lighter, and toaster strudel has a fucking camera built into it for no damn reason. I hear tell they're even working on a camera that has a little camera mounted on top. And for the most part, these devices go unused. Because they're shit. The reason your lipstick case has a camera in it is because the camera is so substandard that it cost almost no money to build one into it. If someone really wants to take pictures of something, they bring a camera that isn't embedded into a coffee mug because even if it's 12 years old and went through the wash in your jacket pocket a few times, it takes far superior pictures.
As a result, the hand sanitizer with the shitty Chinese CCD chip in the lid stays in your brother's girlfriend's purse... until someone does something stupid.
Here is some news, instead of writing about all the beer I've been drinking. I haven't tweeted for a few days, but rest assured my liver isn't getting any sort of break.
(We do not, under any circumstances, support Adult Kickball)
In related strong beer news, the UK is atwitter with BrewDog's latest concoction: 18.2% Imperial^3 Stout Tokyo*. Radio 4 talked about it on the evening news, and a variety of newspapers (RIP) and blogs want to talk about it too. BrewDog are, without a doubt, the future of British brewing. Interesting beers, revisions and perversions of the classics. They even make some traditional beers with lots more flavor. They've even got a video up about this and most other of their beers. I'm saddened but not surprised to be missing them at GBBF, being as they have the audacity to push the boundaries of UK beer beyond 8,000 varieties of Bitter.
(The above video is for regular Tokyo, the link in the text is for Tokyo*)
The controversy around the beer is that it is so high alcohol that it will cause more drunkenness. It is also 10 quid ($16) for a bottle, which contains six UK alcohol units. Ten pounds will also buy you 700ml of Smirnoff at most UK Sainsbury's and during the summer a bottle of Pimm's. Now, the 330ml of BrewDog is smaller than the 700ml bottles, but for less than the cost of the bottle you can get what we call a 'mickey' in the states, though it is understandably tantamount to calling sprinkles jimmies: terms that could be offensive if they weren't so antiquated and absurd. Mind, I thought the same thing about the last descendants of the teetotalers.
Where were we... oh right, bigots that aren't me. So your 10 pounds will buy you a 330ml bottle of Tokyo, at 18%ABV, a 375ml Mickey of Smirnoff at 40%ABV, or an entire 700ml bottle of Pimm's at 25%. That's 6 units for BrewDog, 15 units of Smirnoff or just under 20 units of Pimm's. Right. So clearly the beer is too strong, except, wait, for the same cost and bottle size you can get way drunker, for cheaper. Now, which will taste better? Expensive beer, NJ's favorite vodka (and finest cultural export), or some Pimm's? Now, I love the Pimm's, but the beer will be better. So for 10 pounds I'll get a great beer experience and still be able to walk home, unlike the young man below. The nanny state argument leaves something to be desired, and I agree that BrewDog won't be killing anyone, and certainly not any faster or cheaper than the spirit companies.
HELLO ALL YOU PARROTHEADS OUT THERE!!! YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME?!!! ... ... ...OK! Apparently not, but I'll get back to that later. Tonight Jimmy Buffett is coming to Pittsburgh and is playing out at Starlake. No, I refuse to call it by it's new corporate sponsor name. Starlake will always be Starlake, just like Pizza Outlet will always be Pizza Outlet and the Civic Arena will always be the Civic Arena (well, at least until they tear it down next year).
Last year was my first experience at a Jimmy Buffet Concert. I'd never been to one before and have always heard that they were a really good time. Prior to last year, I wouldn't even say that I was a Buffett fan. I knew a couple of his songs. They were fun and catchy, but I always kind of got a annoyed when Margaritaville would be played somewhere. not that i didn't like the song, but everybody always chimes in at the chorus, but never knows the rest of the song. I've always found it kind of obnoxious. Kind of like WVU fans when Country Road is played (Secret: John Denver was singing about Western Virginia, not West Virginia). But that is neither here not there.
The point is, I went to Jimmy Buffett last year for the experience, not the music. I went to party for 4 hours prior to the concert and have a blast drinking during. I went to have a good time. What I came back with was a memories of a truly enlightening experience.
Parrothead (definition): A drunk 50 year old corporate executive stumbling around in a grass skit and coconuts, beer bottle in hand and a funny looking hat, being helped around by an equally drunk and stumbling 22 year old in a Hawaiian shirt, no pants and half a margarita spilt on himself.
This trend knows no bounds. It crosses the generation gap faster than a naked man running through the Hills of West Virginia screaming "I'm not your little piggie!" I had an absolute blast. And when you're having such a good time and drinking away, you have no control over it. You just get caught up in the music and the experience. You have no choice but to love it. After the concert, I took my wife out to buy a couple Jimmy Buffett CDs (after several days to sober up of course). What Jimmy Buffett does is give a middle age person an excuse to act like an 18 year old college freshman again, if only for one night. It gives the younger crowd just one more excuse to party. And it give everybody in the middle and opportunity to escape live and get away from the house and the kids and just be free. It's a whole different culture, and they accept everybody.
Now back to the top of my post. Last year we tried to get friends to come and join us, and were received with half-hearty interest. In the end we had no takers. After the concert, and telling them about how much fun it was, people seemed genuinely interested. They all were for doing it the next time. This year, I told all my friends about the concert several times and when tickets went on sale, nobody bit. A couple said they were disappointed that they forgot, while others said "eh, I'm not really a Buffet fan." And that was just the kind of image I was tying to dispel. You don't need to be a Buffett fan to have a great time. You don't have to like his music. It's an excuse to party, and much partying we did. This year I hope for an even better time, and I know we're going to have blast and party with a lot of unique and interesting people. But I am sad that I won't have any real friends there to share it with.
I have to agree with #7. I'm sick and tire of hearing experts and people say that alcoholism is a disease. Cancer is a disease, diabetes is a disease. I'd be willing to bend and let them call it a disorder, but that's where a draw the line. I may get some flack for this one, but calling it a disease is a cop-out for weak individuals with poor self control. But don't mix this up with my belief that it is a serious problem and should be treated as such.
And for # 2, they're right. Alcohol does not improve your sex life, but it sure as hell makes it more interesting.
On June 4th 1975, in an effort to boost ticket sales, the Cleveland Indians held a 10 cent beer night. The promotion allowed fans to purchase as many 8oz cups of Stroh's Beer as they could hold down for just 10 cents a piece. As you could probably guess, what followed was a massive case of Fail.
The Municipal Stadium was packed with over 25,000 fans, compared to the previous season's average of only 8,000 per game. The Indians were up against the Texas Rangers, who not but a week earlier had gotten into a bench clearing brawl with the Indians during a "cheap beer night" game at Arlington Stadium, which ended with the crowd storming the field. So naturally, the most sensible thing to do is to one-up the Rangers and host an even more idiotic promotion of their own only one week later.
As the game progressed, the fans got drunker an drunker. Players were getting pelted with hot dogs, and one of the Rangers was almost struck with a one gallon jug of Thunderbird (don't ask me why someone would sneak a gallon jug of Thunderbird into a baseball game, or how. But he sounds like a guy I wanna party with).
When the Indians managed to rally in the 9th to tie the game at 5-5, the crowded was past gone and had reached its boiling point. A fan ran onto the field and attempted to steal an outfielders cap. In attempting to confront the fan, the player tripped, leading the Ranger's manager to think that his player had been attacked. The manager and the entire Ranger's bench stormed onto the field, some wielding bats. The fans in turn also charged to field armed with everything from knives, chains, broken bottles, and even parts of the stadium seats they had torn apart. The Indians, fearful of the rioting fans, actually picked up bats of there own and went out to DEFEND the opposing team.
Realizing that nothing could be done to restore order, the umpire called the game and forfeited the win to the Rangers.
And if you think that Cleveland learned their lesson, you'd be wrong. No, Cleveland decided to hold 3 more such events throughout the season. They changed the promotion so that a fan was limited to a max of four 10 cent beers, but still. Cleveland's got to be denser than a brick.
In modern times, such occurrences are practically nil, thanks to such ingenious ideas as not allowing fans to bring any outside food or drinks, except for enough peanuts and water to make a dixie cup look like a generous portion, and requiring fans to take out a second mortgage if they want to have more than two beers.
Today I embark on a quest to Brookville, PA. About an hour and a half northeast of Pittsburgh, this quaint remote town truly is in the heart of Pennsyltucky country. Like so many other small towns, the only real development is a 2-3 mile stretch around the interstate ramps. There are just enough amenities to support the local farmers, truckers passing through, and each other. Aside from farming, the one industry they can claim is that Brookville is where they make all the Major League baseball bats (that's why they're breaking all the time). The largest structure in town is the Sheetz mega gas station and convenience store, where all 48 gas pumps are in use full time, and the MTO line is 10 people deep. The second largest structure in town happens to house an adult video store.
About 15 'country' miles out of town, after traveling through rolling hills and valleys of farmland, we arrive at the backdrop for my adventure. A friend of mine is a co-owner of a small plot of land out in the middle of east-ka-bum-fuck. An old motor home has been built upon over the years, and now is a pleasant cabin with a large patio and a 15 ft diameter fire pit (FIRE!!!). On this beautiful plot of land, McPaddy and I will join 30 other individuals to engage in what may be the stupidest idea we've had in our adult lives... Beerfest!!!
That's right, we're doing it. And I assure you that nothing good is going to come of this weekend. It will be a day-long endurance trial involving 16 two man teams and nearly a dozen different drinking games.
The games will include a rotation of 30 minute rounds to engage in the following games throughout the day: Flip Cup, Das Boot, Shotgun, Quarters, 3 Speed, Putt Putt, War, Balance Beam. Teams will earn points based on performance during the event. After a break for dinner, the final round will begin with each teammate participating in either Edward 40 Hands, where two 40s are duct taped to your hands, or the Power Hour Dance Off, where each person takes a shot of beer every minute while dancing until only one man is left standing (uh, dancing). Additional points can be either earned or deducted for various acts of drunken godliness or the inevitable party foul.
The weeks leading up to this event have been filled with both anticipation and apprehension. As I state at the beginning, this may be one of the more idiotic things that I've done.
The Disclaimer: We here at JABB do not encourage or condone such activities. Do not try this at home. We are professional alcoholics,and therefore do not have any brain cells left to tell us this is a very bad idea.
If you can honestly say you've never been on either end of this situation, well... you're a better person than anyone writing for this blog. Or more boring. Or both. But even so, just click on that picture down there and read it.
I write this for many reasons. One is the fear that in the course of writing, we may have come off as flippant towards or even encouraging of irresponsible and/or dangerous behavior with alcohol. We do not endorse such behavior... though sometimes we exhibit it ourselves. But that doesn't mean we don't strive to be safe and responsible while being wild and borderline out-of-control. Seems a contradiction? Well... maybe it is. But that doesn't mean its something we can't aspire to.
So please...
Remember: Drowning in vomit isn't cool, in spite of what all the celebrities might say. So in the event that you or a friend has stopped and dropped, please remember to roll. Thankyou.
Wherever shots are given with a beer back, the bartender is the smartest man in the room, and men remove their hats to drink- there we are. We understand if you've never seen us before.
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