Friday, December 11, 2009

Victory is Ours!

Another battle has been won in the great Pennsylvania war on booze. The winning side? The alkies of course.

A little over a year ago, a restaurant by the name of Baba D's wanted to open up a new location on Carson Street in the South Side region of Pittsburgh. The owner purchased the property, spend $600K renovating the place, and applied for his liquor license in preparation for opening night. Pittsburgh City Council's response. "Go Fuck yourself."

Yes, I know he's County, not City, but Mayor Opie is his lapdog.

Obviously the owner, Mr. Najib Aboud, was a little put off by this. It appeared that the City wouldn't issue a license do to over saturation of the area. What that meant, besides what happens to my pants whenever a watch Honor Blackman in old episodes of The Avengers, was that there were too many bars within a 50,000 square foot area. How many is too many? 62 bars to be precise. Well that doesn't seem all that unreasonable, but let's to the math, shall we. 50,000 sq-ft divided by 5280 ft in a mile squared, carry the box of hamster food and an enema for uncle Steve (the two are completely unrelated, i swear), and multiply by the number of Tiger Wood's mistresses...ahh yes. That's an area of 1.148 acres or 0.0018 square mile. That is 62 bars in 0.0018 square miles, or more precisely, one bar for every 806 sq-ft. HOLY SHIT! The limit the City set is 53. Why 53? Because 54 bars is obviously pushing it. What are you, retarded?

I've been around the Country and around the World, and in all my travels, I have yet to find a place with such a large and highly concentrated number of bars as Carson Street in Pittsburgh. The South Side bar scene, is basically a 1.3 mile stretch of road running from the 10th Street Bridge to the Hot Metal Bridge, and it is lined on both sides with nothing but bars and the occational diner or mom n' pop shop mixed in.

The city actually purchased an 8ft x 8ft plot of land in the middle of it to put up a pay toilet, so people would stop urinating in the alleys, on the sides of the building, or even just outside to front door of the bar.

And this isn't just a bunch of random dive bars. No, Carson Street has something to satisfy everyone's taste. There's the classic Americana at places like Mario's or Dee's Cafe. If you're into death metal try visiting the Smiling Moose. The Tiki Lounge has stools and tables made from tree trunks, and a real witch doctor who hang around the back (I think his name is Pete). Hippies and yuppies can share a drink in harmony at the HKAN Hookah Bar and Lounge. The snobs are free to drug their women at Paparazzi's (No seriously, I've seen it happen on several occasions myself. Girls stay away from there). You can listen to some great live blues at the Blue Note Cafe. Shootz is the place to go for football and pool. And complete drunken debauchery can be had at the other 54 bars you have to choose from. Casey's Draft House even has a midget that comes out every 15 minutes to poor shots.

...I think he's actually the owner.

Well, it looks like Baba D's can finally wipe the dust off their back bar. Drinking establishment #63, welcome to the neighborhood. Let's get shitfaced.


  1. That's a relief. I was worried my options might be limited.

    Seriously, though; that area is the only part of the city that's thriving and making money. And with the county's poured liquor tax, Carson Street is a fucking goldmine filled with diamond-plated platinum!

    Why would someone in Allegheny County want to limit that... unless they were secretly from CLEVELAND??? Huh? Huh? Whaddya say to that, Mister Mayorpants? Anything to say in your defense?

    ...that's what I thought...

  2. Don't you mean diamond-plated platinum with a camera attached...