Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Death of Me

It's been a little while since my last real random post.  I've been kind of busy with work and...and, ah who am I kidding.  I've just been sitting around playing with myself as usual.  But that still doesn't excuse me from falling behind with my duties.  As fortune would have it, the perfect random post has just fallen into my lap (don't worry, It didn't get sticky).  A friend of ours just sent us this link this morning and I really felt the need to say something about it.

If you checked it out, it's one of those internet quizzes.  You know, the kind that based on your answers, it lets you email all your friends what breed of Ewok you’d be.  Well this one is fairly quick and dirty.  Just input your weight, male/female, and select a drink.  When you click finish it tells you how many of that particular drink you'd have to ingest TO DIE.  Just for the record, to kill off this motherfucker, it will take 20 shots of whiskey, 23 glasses of red wine, 22 Appletinis, 26 cans of Yuengling or 23 Mojitos. I didn't bother checking Tequila because I already know I'm legally dead after just two or three.

Now I'm no tea-tottler, as anyone who’s been reading this blog would know, but even I can see that this is a bad idea.  I can see the developers brainstorming session now.

"OK fellas.  We need something new to draw people to our site.  I know, Let's take an internet gimmick that's immensely popular with people in the age range of between 14 and 23, and do one about alcohol.  Better yet, let's do it about how much of a certain drink it will take to kill you.  Our budget is shot so we aren't going to have any scientific data to back it up, but that's OK since we're just going to  grossly over-estimate all the figures anyways.  Jenkins!  How many rum and cokes did you drink that night we all went out to the strip club and you ended up vomiting all over the dancer's snatch?  16?  Ok, let's use that as the benchmark and add 30%.  Oh and fellas, don't forget to make it fun."

I love my booze, and am guilty of recently pushing the system myself.   It's no fun, and I bet I was out of it well before reaching any of the numbers they are giving here.  This website is bad bad bad.  Am I saying take it down?  HELL NO!  They have the right to put whatever crap they want on their site.  I follow Darwin’s thinking, so anyone stupid enough to actually try to drink 23 Appletinis is just doing society a favor and thinning out the herd.


Police officer:   How did he die?

EMT:   From alcohol poisoning. According to the bartender, he drank 18 Appletinis. His friends are all in shock, because some internet site told them he still had 5 more to go before he was in danger of kicking the bucket.

Police Officer:'s a shame to see our youth turning into such degenerates. I mean when I was a kid we'd never dream of drinking Appletinis. That's the sort of thing that would get your ass beat up.

EMT:   I know. What a fucking waste. I've put down 11 shots of Jack in one sitting before, but never pushed the limits much beyond that.

Police Officer:   Well, it looks like I gotta call his family and tell them the bad news. His father is going to be heartbroken over this one.  Such a shame.

EMT:   Yeah, on this kid's casket it's gonna read, "Jimmy Walton 1987 - 2009, Died of Pussy Drinks".

Police Officer:   Haha, when I go, I hope mine just reads "Died of Pussy".

EMT & Police Officer:   hahaha...haha...


  1. Oh, and I'm a red-haired ewok from the Jindas tribe. I carry a spear to hunt for food and fend off my enemy, those of the Dulok tribe.

  2. 30 shots of bourbon. About two fifths. I'm trying to think of the most I've ever drank, and I don't think I've ever been close to that. Maybe one fifth. And when I think about how drunk I've been, I can't imagine drinking twice that.

  3. I once put away an entire fifth of Jim Beam and a few beers in one night when I was over in the UAE. When it's hard to come by, you get as much as you can, even if it cost $150 for the bottle. But that was over an entire night, and that was one long ass night.

  4. I have just downloaded iStripper, and now I enjoy having the hottest virtual strippers on my taskbar.