WE ARE

Those of you that yelled the proper response to that out loud in your cubicle, causing everyone to look at you funny, most likely spent 5 years in the drunken stupor known as Pennsylvania State University. What's that I hear? Hisses? Cries of unfairness? Did you just say "Don't be a hater"? (Really? "Hater"? Wow, we'll talk about that one later on...) But I am in no way being unfair, or a "hater". In fact, I went to PSU for a couple years, and had many fun times there. But that's exactly the point, and the point of The Princeton Review who named PSU the #1 drinking party school.

I'm sure some of you are saying that "party" doesn't necessarily imply drinking. And you're right. There's plenty of awesome college parties that don't involve drinking, right?

Ok, so can we be realistic about this? College is the time when American kids first start to take part in adult festivities, mainly focusing on drinking shitty beer and fucking anything that moves (or doesn't after drinking enough).

But what makes this even more prevalent at PSU? There's bigger schools, smaller schools, better schools, worse schools... in fact, there's no factor you could pick that isn't either above or below some other school. It's not at the absolute top or bottom of anything except partying. That, to me, seems to indicate not one cause, but several factors working together. Let's dig deeper.

The most distinguishing thing about PSU, other than partying, is football. Saturdays in the fall, football reigns supreme. With the enormous influx of fans and alumni, the population of the county doubles. Not the town, the county. No, seriously. It actually doubles.

The stadium alone holds just a few thousand less people as there are in the entire county. And these alumni who pour in on Saturday set a fine example for the impressionable youngsters...



...who follow in kind.




But to be honest, it all stays relatively wholesome and within the bounds of common decency on game day.



... more or less. But that's game day. Just one afternoon out of the 168 hours in a week. What do you do the rest of the week?

Nestled into the middle of picturesque nowhere, Penn State is a pretty fucking big university where there's not much to do on a Friday night. There's two theaters, two Wal Marts, and a mall with about 20 stores. Paris it ain't. But there are 54 fraternal organizations, and 21 bars. That's fine for everyone over 21, but the bars generally employ the afore-mentioned football team's defensive line as bouncers. You don't get into a bar unless you're genuinely over 21. And if you're from a state that issues shitty cardboard driver's licenses, you might not even get in if you're over 21. So what's a college freshman to do on a Friday night?



Delicious. And that does appear to be a dorm in that picture, with the heavy freshman-proof wooden door in the institutional burgundy aluminum door frame with heavy-duty hinges.

But it's not just juniors and seniors at the bars and freshmen and sophomores drinking in dorms, there is drinking everywhere. Bars in town, frat parties, house parties. Sometimes the sports teams get in on the act too.



But what's wrong with a little drinking? Nothing, really. Paddy and I aced Drinking 101 at PSU, and look what upstanding, productive citizens we grew up to be!


But that's part of college. It's not just learning what they teach you in class, it's learning how to be part of society. Learning what is acceptable and not acceptable. Learning how to be an adult amongst other adults. That process can have high points and low points, but that's all part of learning. You learn that drinking can have many effects and consequences. Sometimes you get a little loose...



... sometimes a lot loose.




Sometimes drinking can have unfortunate consequences for you...




... sometimes it can have unfortunate consequences for everyone.



If you're not careful it can lead to poor decisions...




... wardrobe malfunctions...




... more poor decisions...




... fucking terrible decisions...





...the floor....




... the ground...



...and finally a trash can.



But really, this is shit people need to sort out before they enter the real world. These are situations adults face, and it's a lot better to fuck it up when you're in college than when you're at your new job's Christmas party and you vomit on the CEO's wife and need to be carried to the bathroom to sleep it off on the tub. What you call drunken debauchery, I call life lessons.

And looking at it that way, PSU's #1 party school ranking takes on a whole new ring. Someone from Harvard or Yale may have never paraded drunkenly down the street with a sign that says "fuck the police." How much more embarrassing and career-ending would that be if you made that mistake in your 30's?

So where students see the #1 party school, I see the #1 life school.



That being said, The University of Pittsburgh is far more academically-oriented and I learned a lot more there than I ever would have at PSU.


And, on-the-whole, Pitt had way hotter chicks.




Just saying...






For more info on drinking at PSU, see:

College prowler: Penn State - Nightlife

and

Bar Tour: State College Area - Night Life, Bars & Entertainment

Thirty 4 Eleven

If you watch TV, and I know at least some of you do, if only sporadically while feverishly pressing F5 repeatedly waiting for our newest post; you may have seen the latest (first I've ever seen) Natural Light commercial. That's right: Natural Light television commercial.

But advertising is a big part of business these days. All the cool kids do it, so I'm not entirely shocked to see it. But what I was shocked by was... well, here. Lets see if you notice what I did:



Did your jaw hit the floor like mine? Yes? No? Not sure what the hell I'm talking about? Ok. They refer to it as "Natty". No big deal, I refer to it as Natty and I'm sure you do too. But stop and think about that for a second... they're essentially embracing an insult to their product. The nickname isn't just a shortening of the word "Natural", it's meant to imply that the liquid contained within the cans is fucking putrid. "Natty"; like how a little kid might mispronounce "nasty".

At first I thought some suited executive might have missed the joke and decreed that all advertising would now embrace their funky fresh nickname the underage drinkers- I mean... younger customers came up with, but then I realized the rest of the commercial seemed to acknowledge their beer's poor college student swill status.

The commercial shows a broke college dude who finally saved ten dollars and borrowed one more to pick up a 30-pack of Natty. He's shoving it roughly into his microfridge, which he most assuredly commandeered from some trash pile by the curb and toted home on the bus (note the bike in the background; his only wheels). His broke but hot college chick friend comes over with a $5 pizza to watch some possibly stolen cable programming on his large but 15 year old TV. The place is tidy, but still a fucking disgrace; and the furniture looks like it spent one too many days on the front porch. They crack open the first of 30 cans they'll drink that morning and settle in for the only golden rays of sunshine in their financially depressed and stress-filled lives: cardboard pizza, piss-warm beer (it's only been in the fridge for 30 seconds), and regrettable sex.

Let's check out another one:



Now we see a party on the back patio of a run-down college apartment. Fancy, huh? A patio for college kids? Well, slum lords like to pave over back yards because their college student tenants never mow the lawn. They have a $10 WalMart cooler, a shelf stereo hooked up to unmatched 35 year old speakers salvaged from someones trash, and a rusted out grill the last tenants left. As the commercial points out, they are lacking in horizontal surfaces to park your ass on, implication being they are all too broke to buy the plastic patio furniture that matches the cooler. Too bad they haven't seen the first commercial, they'd realize you can just bring your sofa outside and it'll dry out eventually. Still, not too bad for an afternoon. Except that after they bought enough store brand hot dogs to feed everyone, they're strapped for cash. So with their last $11 of quarters for the laundromat, they pick up a case of Natty. (They'll just have to turn their underwear inside-out for a few weeks.)

Anyway, there's nowhere to sit, so random college dude plops his butt down on the WalMart cooler. He then realizes he gets to meet all the girls at the party when they go to get another beer. In fact, if he positions himself correctly, he'll force them to reach between his legs to get a beer, mere inches away from his aching, disused member. (For those of you still in college, this type of behavior is frowned upon in post-college society.) Then another dude comes up to get a beer, and our cooler-sitter quickly stands up. Did he want the beer-seeker to touch his cock but feared rejection? Or does he just not roll that way? The makers of Natty aren't telling. However, the commercial doesn't show any more favorable results with his female party guests. Implication? Gifts of Natty won't get you pussy or cock. Truth in advertising.

So in both commercials, they completely recognize that Natural Light is beer consumed exclusively by college students who can't afford anything better. And if they recognize they know where the nickname comes from, they probably know why it nickname was chosen. And if they recognize all this in their commercials, they are essentially saying that they too agree their beer tastes like watered down cat piss. But they are pointing out that even watered down cat piss has its place in the beer market. Not everyone can afford $45 cases of Mad Elf for Christmas, not everyone can stock their party cooler with huge bottles of Arrogant Bastard. But that's ok! You can just buy Natty and you'll still get laid and eat pizza, unless you're a creeper sitting on the cooler in an attempt to get people to accidentally touch your penis. But honestly, what's wrong with patio parties and pizza sex? Nothing! That's what!

But that being said...

I know I frequently defend cheaper brands of beer and booze, but I'm not going to go that far this time. I'll defend Amber Bock and Pabst Blue Ribbon because they're honestly good beers, they just don't cost much. I'll defend Jim Beam and Captain Morgan because they're genuinely well made and tasty liquors, they just happen to be reasonably priced. I despise snobbery that puts down anything not expensive. Just because a particular brand of alcohol is cheap doesn't mean it isn't delicious and worth your time. Natural Light, however, isn't one of these. It's awful. There's worse, but not much. In fact, I'd argue that $11 for 30 cans might be a little over-priced.

But as I said, these situations still appeal to me. I like TV, parties, pizza, and sex. But I would not pair these activities with a case of Natty. So what beer would I choose for such everyday activities that don't necessarily call for an expensive beer? What would I buy?