Wednesday, February 17, 2010

This Day in Booze: The Double Whammy

I was going to call today's article "This Day in Booze: The Bitch is Dead", but today actually happens to mark two great days in booze history, so I had to change it.

What bitch? Whose a bitch? You'ze a bitch? Where the fuck are my pants?... ...Exactly.

Today marks the death of one Frances Elizabeth Caroline I'm a Bitch Willard.

She was a 19th Century educator and woman's Suffragist, but was most notably known for her role in temperance reform and the WTCU, or as I like to call it Women with Thorny Cunts United.

But she was a suffragist? That's a good thing. To what extent was here role in the Women's Christain Temperance Union (WTCU) that you feel such a need to vilify her so?

Well, as one of the originators of the satanic organization (at least that's what I'm told) known as the WTCU in 1874, she was elected the first corresponding secretary. In 1879 she was elected the President of the Women's National Council of the United States (another cult, I am told), and held onto her position there until she finally kicked the bucket. Kind of like a dictator, but with a vagina. She was the originator of the Formed Worldwide WCTU in 1883, but surprisingly was NOT the President of that organization. Well, not until 1888 at least.

During her time with the temperance movement, she set about traveling the Country, speaking to groups, to churches, to schools, to communities all about the evils of booze. So much of her time and effort was dedicated to this cause that from 1874 to 1884 she averaged over 30,000 mile of travel and 400 lectures PER YEAR! One of her biggest arguments against booze was its effect on the home life. Let's just forget about the effect of not being at home for nearly 10 years. That kind of screws up the home life as well. Oh wait, I guess you need a home life first, before you can screw it up. She never married (I wonder why), and it's clear that her real issue wasn't with booze, but with the "Evil Penis." ...hehe, penis.

Now don't get me wrong. I fully support any effort towards women's rights and praise great women like Julia Child and Martha Stewart who have taught today's women how to be creative, more independent, and how to bake a better pie.

Today is extra special because it also marks the signing of the Blaine Act by the United States Senate. Oh I'm sorry, the Blain Act doesn't really ring a bell with most of you. How about I call it by it's other name, the 21st Amendment.

The Blain Act, written by Wisconsin senator John J. Blaine, was the 21st Amendment to the Constitution before it was the 21st Amendment. On February 17th, 1933, the United States Senate Accepted the Act, but it wouldn't become an Amendment until it was ratified by the individual States. A process which the law grants seven years. Fortunately it took less than one, and on December 5th, 1933 it became the 21st Amendment to our Constitution.

So have two drinks today. One for the 21st Amendment and one for Pie.

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