Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Here’s to the economy!

So you’re sitting in your fallout shelter, shivering and perhaps even struggling to retain control over your bladder. You’re worried that the economy, and indeed society at large, is on a downhill slide and soon you’ll either be the sexual plaything of a large man in a hockey mask, or attaching a cow catcher to the front of your Ford Falcon. You’re terrified. You’re stressed out. Let’s face it, you’re a fucking mess. And what’s worst is you have absolutely no control over the situation at all. That’s when things are most terrifying. No one person caused this situation, and no one person can fix it… or even put a dent in it. Yet it affects us all. And so you sit alone in your basement, waiting for the seemingly inevitable shithammer to fall. Well, I have good news for you. There’s a treatment for your symptoms that will actually do a small part to resolve the cause: have a drink!

Seriously, go get a glass and a bottle and get to work. But not just any bottle will do, no. This requires careful selection. You look like shit, so beer and wine are out. No, strong spirits are required to steady your shaking hands. 80 proof or more. But before you grab that bottle of Imperia off the shelf and go to town, let’s take a moment to think this thing through logically.
If you down a few shots of some imported spirit, you’re siphoning much of the price of that bottle out of our economy. That’s only going to make the situation worse! Then you’ll get more frightened and depressed and then you’ll need to drink even more; turning this into a vicious cycle. The next thing you know, you’re drunk, lonely, broke, and you’ve ruined the American economy. And that won’t do.

But, on the other hand, if you think about your selection for a second –and specifically I’m talking about who will get your hard-earned booze money, then you can make a selection that’s good for you, good for me, and good for the American people: Bourbon. By law, Bourbon has to be made in Bourbon County, Kentucky. So right off the bat, you know this is a product made with pride by hard-working Americans. Also by law, the mash the liquor is distilled from is required to be over 50% corn. Now… what country grows the most corn in the world? I think you’re starting to get the picture, here. And once that wonderful white lightning comes out of the still, it’s put into barrels made of lightly charred American White Oak to age. So you’ve got American ingredients being used by Americans with American equipment made of American natural resources to produce an exclusively American Product. Seriously, baseball and apple pie ain’t got shit on a shot of Beam!

When you fork over the cash for a bottle of Bourbon, your money goes to American workers, American businessmen, American farmers, American loggers… and do you want to talk about taxes? Do you want to talk about how much Uncle Sam gets out of this deal? The ingredients get taxed, the materials get taxed, the workers and businesses pay taxes, then the federal government collects excise tax on the liquor... it’s a monetary love-fest that ends with you getting wasted!

So there you go. Next time you’re feeling down, grab a bottle of your favorite Bourbon and raise your glass to more comfortable times. It’ll make you feel better, and you might just save the economy.

No comments:

Post a Comment